


Chances are...

by Izzylicious



Category: Castle (TV) RPF
Genre: F/M, stanathan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-21 17:30:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11949153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Izzylicious/pseuds/Izzylicious
Summary: Everyone noticed the little sparks flying back and forth between Stana and Nathan during the first couple of seasons of "Castle", but what happened all of the sudden? Where did the chemistry go? And why did they start "hating" each other?





	1. Back to chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lisa-Maria](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Lisa-Maria), [Cathy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cathy/gifts).



> If you don't like RPFs please DON'T read and leave mean comments afterwards! Thank you lol if you do like it: I love feedback :-)  
> I don't mean to offend anyone with this little "work of art". It's a fictional story inspired by pictures, interviews, "rumors" and a way too vivid fantasy.  
> And about Kris... I don't know the guy - and for sure would like him if I would but... every story needs a villain, right? :-D

Falling feels like flying. 

It’s not like you make the decision to fall. No, life is doing that for you. But once that decision was made, once you start falling, nothing can stop it – and it’s the most wonderful feeling you will ever experience. For the first time ever you feel free, really, truly free. Suddenly there is no pain, no sorrow and no fear. It’s like floating on the wings of happiness and love. All you experience that very moment is the wind tickling your skin, the newly made promises of everlasting joy filling your heart, your lungs, your everything. No misery. No endless or sometimes worthless efforts, no trying to make things work out the way you would want them to, because they just do. 

All you see from a distance- what seems looking through a foggy wall- are people that sometimes, way too briefly, came into your life just to vanish again in the blink of an eye. Friends, lovers, even strangers you recall passing on the street on your way to work. Friendly faces that don’t mean to harm you, but so often did.  
Still, inside you don’t feel anger or rage. Just a strange calm peace. 

But no matter if it’s a stranger or friend, all of them share the same thing: in all their lives there’ll come a moment when they’ll fall. No matter if it’s out of wanting to fulfill dreams, or finding that one true love... they’ll fall. And all of them are going to enjoy the feeling, the freedom you feel the first moments. 

Until you hit the ground.

All of the sudden there is nothing left, just fear and silence – for a never ending moment. Before being able to process what just had happened, how this wonderful feeling of joy and bliss suddenly turned into something dreadful, you hear the strangest of all sounds, one you will never be able to forget. A cracking, breaking sound. Maybe someone clumsily threw a glass to the floor. Maybe a car crash some miles away?

But then you know. Something inside is telling you it wasn’t the sound of cracking glass, it was the sound of breaking dreams and hopes, pieces of life’s illusions flying everywhere – your broken heart falling to the floor and dying. 

Then once more there is nothing. Nothing left to hope for, nothing left to dream of. Just a shattered mirror that once reflected the person you were before you started falling – while you were falling. 

Some of these pieces on the floor, are too small to even matter. Though once, a lifetime ago, they meant the world to you and they used to be the biggest parts of who you once were.  
Others are so big you don’t even know how to touch them, but you have to. Touch them, pick them up. Put them back together. Why? Because it is the only thing you have left now: the will to try, at least once. 

But soon you’ll notice you can’t. The puzzle is incomplete because some parts went missing. Of course you try, you want to try, but before even being able to touch these shards you know if you would they’d cut you into a million pieces. Then, when you finally stop trying and see there is nothing left to do, nothing that can be done, you give up. You sit there in the middle of your broken heart, your broken soul and suddenly you start falling again. This time it’s not the kind of nice fall you have experienced before. It doesn’t feel like floating anymore.

Darkness surrounds you, covers you, deadly calm, stillness, emptiness. What once was something bright and colorful, fades into dark and a meaningless black.

Indeed, falling felt like flying – until I hit the ground.

Tears start forming behind my eyes and I squeeze them shut in order to prevent them from giving me away. Suddenly memories of my childhood come to my mind. I remember how my mom always told me that big girls don’t cry, so at some point I just didn’t anymore. Well, not really. I learned I could cry, just not in front of other people. Back then, whenever I felt tears stinging behind my eyes, I went to my room. 

Some nights I welcomed the darkness, the comfort of it. Some others I was lying in bed restlessly, having nightmares about monsters and gargoyles that would swallow me in one piece because they saw me crying; because they saw I was scared. Children’s stuff some may say.

During these nights I sneaked out of my room, pretending to be brave. I tapped down the long dark hallway of my parent’s house, trying to breathe even. trying to be strong. Not a bit scared of the darkness and the eyes lurking out of the dark corners, regarding me as prey, waiting for the right moment to attack. My heart always started beating so fast and loud it sounded like footsteps behind me – following me. But I never dared turning around. And I never started crying. Instead I quickened my pace and ran outside. Once my feet touched the cold pavement and the fresh night air drew me into a welcoming embrace, all the fear was gone. 

By the time I was finally able to make my heartbeat to slow down I gazed up, getting caught in the most incredible beauty of the star-spattered sky. Some nights I even tried counting the small light bulbs that made the sky look like a giant village where everyone just got home and turned on the lights. Most of the times I just sat down in the grass, looking up, wondering how many of them still existed. Wondering, how many like me are out there right now, looking up this very moment - eventually wondering the same. 

When a star dies it simply stops being – without any further notice. We don’t even waste a thought on it. Until years, centuries later we notice we just stopped seeing it – it just stopped existing. Like so many other things in life, good things, bad things, once you turn around, it’s gone. 

But no matter how sad the thought of dying stars made me, I always went back to sleep with this indescribable happiness inside my heart. Because every time I looked up to the sky a distant voice, one only I could hear, told me about that one special person somewhere out there counting stars as I did; and that once the right time came he would beat the unbeatable foe, fight dragons and sea monsters just to be able to be with me. 

I know this might sound childish and all cliché. But I believe in it. I mean I USED to believe in it... until I hit the ground of reality, got my heart broken and still, after all this time, don’t know how to fix it. How to make it right again. Giving up on believing in love didn’t really do the trick - yet. At least by now I know love is meant for movies and books where it causes rainbows to suddenly appear and thunderbolts to split the sky and butterflies to do flip-flops and all these things… where the hero moves mountains and crosses oceans to be with his one true love. TV-shows where the writer would do anything for his detective, the one and only woman he loves. One and only my ass…

I let out a loud sigh and look up to the sky. By crossing my arms over my chest I try to make the chill I feel inside vanish. But it’s not cold air that makes me shiver. The nights in L.A. are so much warmer than in Chicago. I even feel hot in the thin black summer dress I’m wearing. One might think after all these years I finally got used to it, still, I find myself doing that crossed arm thing over and over again. But the cold never fully leaves my body. 

“Old habits die hard”, I say out loud and manage to make myself smile. There, that’s better than starting to cry. 

A laughing crowed from somewhere inside the building makes me turn around and my eyes wander over the ‘oh so familiar’ studio complex. I can’t quite remember how many times I have been standing here, wondering where the road will take me. Yet I have to admit I won’t miss it. Different, yes. I will miss this place and the people that have become family over the past 8 years, but I for sure won’t be missing one person. I’m glad I won’t have to look him in the eye anymore, every single day. I’m more than glad I can finally put that chapter of my life behind me. I finally can move on to chapter two: “How to put a broken heart back together”.

After what happened I really wish I never would have done what I did that night so many years ago. We would probably still be friends. We wouldn’t have to pretended to work ‘oh so well’ together on screen – keep the sparks between Castle and Beckett flying. On the other hand, it wasn’t my fault. He screwed up. He was being a dick, screwing up everything we could have had one morning. That’s why I hate him, right? That’s why I made myself hate him instead of crying over him every single night. 

Funny I’m still around… you might think some dragon already should have sneaked out from under my bed and ate me up for shedding tears.

Again a small smile forces it’s way onto my lips. Not a comfortable nice one. It feels bitter. I became bitter. 

Time heals all wounds they say, I guess just not this one. It seems time can’t heal a broken heart. 

I was foolish to believe we could just run away, lock behind doors made out of dreams. Live the illusion of “happily ever after” fairytales are made out of and just ride into the setting sun on a milky white stallion. But sleeping beauty didn’t get woken by a kiss of her knight. The kiss of reality woke her – made her look around and figure out “happily ever after” really just belongs into fairytales. 

Anyhow. I flew, I fell, I crashed onto the ground and now am moving on. After all I’m married now. If that didn’t show him exactly what I think of him then I don’t know. I moved on without him. I should have taken a picture of the look he gave me when he found out. When I told everyone around me how happy I was – making sure it was loud enough so he could hear it. Yes, I wanted to hurt him. Badly. And I did.

When the director called it a day, he came to my trailer, furious. He started yelling at me, as he so often did the past two years. But this time I didn’t start crying. I smiled. A mean smile filled with hate. 

“You think you can hurt me with that , Katic?” 

“Yup.” I kept the smile in place, satisfied over my final victory.

“I always thought u were smart… but I was wrong.”

“It’s not like you ever thought I was. Or was anything more than one of your cheap bimbos you can release some tension with, right, Fillion?” I was calm. Calmer than I ever thought I could be around him. Making sure he notices the disgust in my voice when saying his last name. 

After a long pause, not filled with mean lines or witty remarks. “I thought we could…” For a millisecond I saw his face change when he stared into my eyes, waiting for me to answer a million questions that all of the sudden seemed to cross his mind. He didn’t wear the impression of the ignorant asshole he has been around me since I left his house that one morning. For a brief second he looked like the man I fell in love with, the second we met in the hallway at the casting. The kind, sweet, funny guy that helped me cut my blouse because I thought I wasn’t sexy enough to actually get the part I so badly wanted. 

But within the blink of an eye he changed back to the man I learned to hate. “Sure. Fine. Whatever.” With that he turned his back on me and left. 

Yes, he was right. It’s not like I ever loved Kris the way I… 

Another sigh leaves my mouth. 

The way I loved him. I never desired Kris the way I desired him. And he never made me feel anywhere close to what he made me feel. But Kris was there and he was an easy person to be with. After all I know him for a lifetime by now… satisfy the manly needs and you can live in peace. After all the bullshit I have been through, the press, the pretending on set, the mean accuses whenever Fillion and I were in the same room… the tension, the desire, the hate.  
Kris was easy. A guy, easy and simple to handle. I told him what I expected from him and he did exactly as asked – well, how men work around me. Probably too much for him to handle though but he is ok with playing along. Kris has his own life, so do I, but we still got married and that way managed to make all the rumors flying around vanish into thin air. We always fought. That’s what our relationship is made of, however during the first year of marriage, it was worse than ever. But things calmed down. He had his affairs, I had mine. And everything was ok. 

I remember one night he told me a real couple does have sex every now and then. All I could do was laugh and tell him we do just not with each other – and that’s perfectly ok with me. I’m not sure how badly I hurt his ego but that was the last time he even tried to touch me. Being with him never satisfied me in any way. So at some point I simply decided “why keep trying if it’s lame anyhow?” And now, another year later, he settled down… no, that’s the wrong word. He jumps around from one big blonde with giant boobs to the next but it tends to last longer. Sometimes I really wonder why he ever agreed on marrying me. He probably knew my reasons and wanted someone to show off with. Eventually he even thought for a moment we could make “us” work. 

Me on the other hand… I gave up on looking for someone who actually could put up with what I wanted… with what I needed. The only companion I have in lonely nights is my hand, but we two do get along quite well. No fighting, no drama, no anything. Just comfort. And who else could ever know what I want the moment I want it than me, right?

I didn’t notice I started to wander around the passageways of the Raleigh Studios while I got lost in thoughts and memories. For so many years this place was like a second home to me. I had a second family, friends, fun…

Without noticing I was touching the ‘way too much bling bling’ ring on my hand and when I look up I find myself in front of studio 12. 

“And you have to end up here…” 

I should just continue my little evening walk, finish the drink I brought along and then go back to the party. It’s a goodbye party… the last cast party we will ever have. So why waste time with getting lost in old and painful memories. I should head back, get drunk, say my goodbyes and ‘let’s stay in contact’ - promises we might not be able to stick to thanks to our busy lives -, successfully avoid him and then get a ride home. 

I pause for a moment, take a sip out of the glass in my hands and want to walk back. But something keeps me from doing so. I stare at the door with the huge 12 written on it and can’t resist. One last time, one last memory of happy times I could take home with me. And then I would finally be able to move on for real. It probably will be locked anyhow.

I take a deep breath and reach out for the doorknob.  
Open. Interesting.

As I enter the set a familiar scent surrounds me. We have spent so many days here. Happy days. We laughed, we fooled around…  
I slapped him here - the first time in front of everyone - and then went running to my trailer so no one would see my tears.  
This is where it started. This is where it got worse and this is where it will end. 

Castle’s loft almost looks like we never left it. We shot the last scene here almost a week ago but still everything looks in place. The cameras, the cranes, the huge table that always was filled with food and drinks for the breaks. 

In the first five years I have to admit this was my most favorite set. It always made me feel all fuzzy and warm. Before everything went bad. Then I started to hate shooting in here because I knew it always would lead to me having to kiss him, touch him – the way a couple does.  
From day one on, I always had the feeling the two characters we put to life were meant to be together. Sparks flying, secret looks… there just wasn’t any other way this could possible have end. 

I’m not sure anymore if giving the fans what they wanted the most was the smartest thing to do. Who knows what would have happened if Caskett would just have stayed a fairytale, a fantasy people dream of and write about in fan fictions. 

Well, would have, could have, should have…  
It all doesn’t matter anymore. It’s past, it happened and no one in the universe can make it come undone.  
I probably could have by just not returning for the final season. Keep saying I was too busy shooting other things and couldn’t make room for the last Castle season.  
But somewhere in the back of my head I kept thinking maybe with the summer break and the time apart, the tension probably would have left the building. Probably we could just put whatever happened behind and work together – just the way professional people like us do. But boy was I wrong. And the fact I was married to someone he disliked didn’t make it any easier. Maybe I thought him getting engaged would change stuff too. 

Two years of fighting, struggling, accusing, being professional and trying to keep an even more professional distance didn’t do anything. It didn’t change a bit.

The heart wants what the heart wants. How badly I wish I could just make that little bastard shut up. No matter how hard I try, it always keeps whispering at nights, telling me about the things it would want the most. And I try to ignore it. I try to make my head answer. But all it does answer most of the times is “but…”

I take a few more steps into the room and my eyes wander over the bookshelves, the interior, the fake walls. Funny how this room, missing one wall, still doesn’t feel like a stage. My hand reaches out to touch one of the walls I want to walk around. I stop.  
Why not… one last time.  
I take a step back. Suddenly I feel stupid and foolish but I still reach out to touch the door. For the very last time I enter through the main door, somehow awaiting Castle to greet me, or Martha, Alexis. Susan and Molly always were more than just good company – somehow feeling like a mom and a little sister. It was amazing to watch Molly grow, turn into the young adult she now is. She was just a child when we started shooting the series, unsure and scared. I remember her coming up to me a million times asking how to do this and that. Good times. 

As I push the door open there is nothing. For a long moment I pause, not sure if I should just stand there or do something, think something, say something. But no one wrote any lines for me today. No one marked a spot where I’m supposed to stand. 

I look around and finally my eyes come to rest on the black couch. I can’t remember how many countless times I sat there. During shooting, on breaks, laughing, crying, even singing once when everyone decided to be stupid and created a hilarious scene that didn’t make it into an episode. God knows why. I think I never ever heard such a brilliant cover version of Joe Cocker’s “You are so beautiful”. More and more people kept running into the picture, singing along until the whole crew was in the picture. In the end we were at least 30 singing 50 different voices. It was hilarious.

“Cut!” I remember Rob Bowman saying after he was finally able to stop laughing and got up from his kneeling position in front of the couch. “Wonderful people, but I’m afraid we’ll have to redo that scene…”

I move closer to it and without any further hesitation sit down. I’m starting to feel a little dizzy, lightheaded even. I don’t know if I should be laughing right now as it’s finally over, or crying - because it IS over. An uncomfortable silence finds its way into my heart as I put my arms on my knees and burry my face in my hands. My hair comes down from behind my back and creates a sheltering curtain around my face. No one would be able to look past it. And this way no one is even going to notice that I give into the tears I’m trying to hold back for so long now. I can feel how the hot liquid starts running down my cheeks and I start sobbing. Why fight it? Just let it go, Stana and then go back to being perfect and normal and brave and strong and smart and… god knows what else. 

While the tears keep streaming down my face and I’m trying to pull myself together again, I lean back and without wanting them to, my thoughts wander back to a time when things were still ok – a lifetime ago. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

“CUT!”

Breathing heavily I try to stabilize myself as he loosens his hold on me. I really thought we could do it this time. I really thought we could do it. My lips feel swollen, my body set on fire. As I look Nathan in the eyes he smiles and whispers a soft “sorry” no one else can hear. It sends tingles up and down my spine. What on earth is he doing to me?  
Actually I was looking forward to finally shoot this scene. After 4 years Beckett and Castle would get what they wanted for so long. They’d finally be together and start a whole new chapter in their lives. Together. 

The first few scenes were easy. A walk in the park actually as we knew exactly how we wanted it to be. What to do, how to look, when to touch. Rob knew he wouldn’t have to be much of a director here. He just asked us to please stick to the lines and then go with the flow. And we did. We delivered the lines and went with the flow. 

Now this. The infamous “door scene”. We did practice at his place the previous evening. We talked about what we could do to make it look real and feel right for the audience. I wasn’t scared. We trust each other and through the years we came to know the other one so well we could tell by one look if things were ok or not. After all it was quite a scene. One you can never get through without trust. We were excited, making jokes about just making out in front of everyone’s eyes without them noticing – because after all we had too. Castle and Beckett had to. And to be honest, every now and then we did make out. Just for fun. To figure out how our characters would do certain things. I don’t know at which point I started to enjoy the feeling of his hands on my back, on my face. His lips touching mine, his scent filling my senses. The warmth of his strong body. 

But right now I AM scared. Not of him or of acting miserably. I’m scared I’m going to give myself away. Moaning a shade too loud, breathing too heavy, letting him know I do notice the bulge in his pants; the desire washing through my body. Telling him that way just how badly I’d want to move this somewhere else. But we don’t do these things. We are friends, partners, co-workers. Professional ones. So we for sure don’t do these things. 

Professional, that’s the word. Keep thinking of that, Stana. 

“Let’s take it from the moment before you push her back to the door, yes Nate? Stana?”

I didn’t notice we were still keeping eye contact. At the same time we raise our thumbs to Rob saying “Sure thing!”  
Which involuntarily makes everyone laugh.

He’s the first one to let go and move back to his mark. Immediately I miss him. I stretch my muscles a little, trying to make them stop pulsating, inhaling fresh air deeply various times and shakily walk to spot I’m supposed to stand in.

With unsteady fingers I close the button of my blouse he opened before to reveal the scar on my chest – Beckett’s chest. The only not improvised part that scene had to include: Castle touching Beckett’s scar. Again I start shivering. His hand reaches out to touch my face. “We’ll make it this time”, he says, winking at me. I smile up at him, nod and bite my lips. 

“Ok guys… here we go. And ACTION!”

A fake lightning brightens the barely lit room and within the blink of an eye he crushes me against the door again. I’m trying to think of little white fluffy sheep while his lips are on mine, moving down my throat, kissing, licking. This always worked in the past. 

Little fluffy sheep running around on a field.

I wrap my arms around him to make him step even closer. As his head is tilted away from the camera, covered by mine, he starts biting my neck. His hands roaming over my body and I so badly would want him to touch my skin. I think I just started moaning again. I hold my breath for a second.

Fluffy sheep…

His lower body is pressing into mine and his hands are almost clawing on my clothes. I can hear him breathe into my ear; I can feel him getting harder. Ok, that for sure was the last picture I needed right now. I can feel the heat rushing down to my lower body and I arch against him. 

Damn sheep!

As his mouth covers mine again and thrusts against me I can hear him moan. Or was it me? As if his longing was getting unbearable too one of his hands comes to the front and covers my breasts, starts to kneed it. And I’m gone. Lost in time and space. My head falls back to the door and then…

“CUT!”

We both freeze, his hand still staying on my breast, my head resting on the door. 

“I know we agreed on freestyle but people… this is a TV-show! Anything else than PG-rated won’t get aired!” Rob laughs. 

But neither Nathan nor me laugh along. For a long moment we stand there, unwilling to move. As I manage to make my head move forward, looking at him, I notice his eyes are close, his breathing uneven. He’s biting the inside of his cheeks as if he was trying to make himself calm down. Is he angry? Did I do something wrong? He probably is mad at me for screwing this one up again. I let my hands drop off his shoulder and force a smile. “Next try?” I whisper. I can already tell walking back to the mark this time will be even harder than the last. This burning need inside is even making it impossible to stand still, not touch him. His hands fall to his sides and he shakes his head. As he opens his eyes and looks at me he looks different. His eyes were dark, filled with something I never saw on him before. 

“No…. I… need a break.” Even before he has finished his sentence he took three huge steps back. “Let’s take a break and then try again?” He calls out to Rob who just looks at him, nodding. 

“30 mins peeps! Then we’ll get this done!” Rob get’s up from his chair.

“Yeah, and a cold shower for Castle!”  
Nathan always tries to make everyone laugh. And they do. Everyone laughs but me. I can tell it wasn’t a joke. But even before I get the chance to ask what’s wrong he is gone. I stand there for what seems like minutes trying to understand what just had happened. 

“Is he ok?” A familiar voice makes me snap back to reality. Rob looks at me with his hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah! I mean…” My voice sounds way too high as if someone caught me doing something forbidden. I cough slightly. “I mean I don’t know. I’ll go check.” Yes, that sounded better. 

Without even waiting for an answer I start walking off the set. 

What the heck did just happen? It’s not like we never kissed before. We did. Actually we did a lot of times by now. We tend to flirt – of course as Castle and Beckett – and every now and then we do steal little kisses from one another. No biggy. Of course. It was just for… research. I mean what would our two characters do IF they were together, right? Method acting I would call it. Nothing else. 

I don’t quite understand how come I walk to his trailer so fast it almost feels like flying. But when I reach the door and knock I suddenly can feel another heat wave rushing down between my legs. 

“Get a hold on yourself, girl!” I tell myself as I knock again.

Still no answer. 

As I knock the third time, louder now, I call out his name.

Nothing.

“Nate, come on! I know you are there! It’s me, open up!” I’m starting to get nervous. Maybe he left to get some coffee or… anything else. Maybe he just ran away. 

Suddenly I can hear footsteps behind the door, then a long pause. Finally he sticks his head out. “Stana, not now. I need to be alone for… a moment ok? I’ll be right back.”

Is he shirtless? My mouth starts to feel dry. “The cold shower, huh?” I try to smile but he drops his gaze. “Look, I was just wondering if you are ok. You left so fast.”

“Yeah, sure. I just need a moment and I’ll be all up and kickin’ in some mins!” He’s trying to sound normal but there for sure is something else going on.

“Talk to me, Nate.” I say and reach out to touch his face as I always do when something is bothering him. He takes a step back.

“Please, don’t. Not right now.” He is about to close the door but without being asked I take a step forward, enter his trailer and stop behind him.

Yes, he really is without a shirt. I can’t help but let my eyes wonder of his bare shoulders, his back, down to his ass. Geez, am I just really checking out his behind? My mouth drops open and I notice how my tongue is darting out to moisture my lips. He closes the door but doesn’t turn around. He just stands there. And again my eyes start their journey over his back. My hand suddenly reaches out to touch it. I can feel him shiver under my touch. So warm.

“Talk to me.” I’m not sure he heard what I was saying as he still doesn’t move. I can feel the heat radiating from his body, making my hand feel like I just touched the hot stove. 

“I don’t know how to do this”, he answers as he takes a deep breath. 

“Do what?” 

“This. Us. I don’t know anymore how to handle it. We are friends, right?” As if he was waiting for me to reassure him of that fact he pauses.

“Of course” I say without thinking.

He turns around and I’m getting caught in the darkest blue eyes I have ever seen. I can’t look away as my heart starts racing. “See? That’s the problem.”

What problem, I want to ask but right now I can neither talk nor think. He’s so close, so warm so… sexy. All I would want to do is reach out and kiss him. 

“I want you.” He quotes the words I said to him, his character, some hours ago. I gasp. “But… I just need to take a cold shower right...”

I don’t let him finish. I close the distance between us and kiss him without hesitation. I can feel his erection pressing into me as our bodies finally touch. No man in this universe should feel this good. My tongue softly touches his lips waiting for him to open his mouth. But instead of doing so he draws back and stares into my eyes. “What if I tell you I want you too?” 

He draws in a sharp breath and I’m awaiting a comment or him making me leave. With one swift move he closes the distance between us, taking me into his strong arms, crushing me to his body. He kisses me with a passion I have never experienced before in all my life. I can feel the muscles in his back move as he tightens his arms around me. 

My hands, obviously having a life of their own, wander down his body, to the button of his pants. “Wait”, he breathes between moans and gasps. I so badly would want this. I so badly want him.

“Let me help you.” By moving even close to him I make him take a step back until he hits the trailer wall behind us. As I look up to him I can’t help but smile. “Change of position…” I raise an eyebrow, studying his expression for a moment. It looks like he would want to laugh but doesn’t dare. Maybe he thinks if he laughs too loud he will wake up and I’m gone. I lean in to kiss him again. Hungry. As my lips leave his, my tongue starts trailing down the bare skin of his chest, biting, nipping. I feel him shudder under my touch. I continue my journey down, knowing I actually don’t have as much time for this as I would want to have. But it will have to do for now. 

I kneel down in front of him and feel his body tighten under my fingertips as I softly touch him through his pants. Moans leaving his mouth somehow telling me to please stop teasing. But he doesn’t say it out loud. Looking up I notice his eyes are closed and his hands seem to be looking for support by trying to cling down the wall.

“Do you want to touch me?” 

“Badly”, is all he answers before I can’t resist running my fingertips over him again, making him groan. 

“Badly…” he repeats. That’s all I need to hear. Quickly I undo the button that is keeping me from finally being able to feel him, see him. I slowly pull down the zipper, making sure he feels every millimeter. 

“God, you are a tease!” He’s looking down on me now, more confident, smiling, and all I can do is smile back, biting my lip as I so often do. 

As I finally free his throbbing erection by pulling down his pants and briefs I find myself starring at him for a moment. 

“Does that mean you like what you see or….”  
Every now and then I caught myself thinking of how he might look naked. But I may say I wasn’t really expecting this. I could tell he wouldn’t be small but this was a little unexpected. “A lot”, I answer before I go back to what I actually was planning on doing for such a long time now. I close my lips around him, trying to take in as much as possible, closing my hand around the rest. 

A loud moan is filling the room. I never really was the kind of girl that likes to give blowjobs… in fact it never gave me any pleasure. But this I have to admit is a completely new sensational feeling. It IS turning me on. A lot… if it is even possible to get turned on more. 

As I swirl my tongue around his tip he makes the most delighted noises I have ever heard coming from a guy and I take a mental note – memorizing it. 

I don’t know for how long I have been keeping the procedure of licking, sucking and stroking up – probably just a few seconds… way too short if u ask me… but suddenly I can feel his hands pulling at my hair, trying to make me break contact.

“Let go… can’t…”

I start grinning. As if… I increase the hold I have on him, suck just a little harder, making sure he knows I’m far away from letting him go. 

A second later I find myself doing something else I never did before… with a loud moan that almost sounds like the howl of a lonely wolf in a cold arctic night I can feel how an orgasm is running through his whole body – and I swallow everything he has to give. 

His knees start shaking as I lick him clean and start pulling his pants back up.

“Interesting. New, interesting, but me likes - shall improve.” I feel a mischievous grin spreading all over my face. With a loud laugh he pulls me into a standing position, crushes his lips to mine and draws me in for a long passionate kiss. “We should head back” I say the second he lets go and I can breathe again. 

“Mhm” is all he says while he is busy placing butterfly kisses down my neckline, roaming his hands over my body and walking us backwards. 

“Like for real…” 

“Mhm…” 

I gasp as the back of my legs touch the edge of the small couch and I can feel my pants sliding down my legs. Wow, how come I didn’t notice him doing that?! 

With a slight push back he makes me sit down. “Just wondering if you enjoyed that scene as much as I did… and would need a little hand to assist as well…” He waggles his eyebrows and makes me laugh. And then moan the very second I can feel his hot breath on my skin, his hair tickling the inside of my thighs. 

“So you have been like this all day too, eh?” I can’t answer. My head is falling back, eyes closed, as I can feel his tongue on my heated flesh. 

It is useless to hang on to any kind of sanity or the thought of “not yet, too soon”… his tongue is driving me crazy, making me want to explode, unable to think. With all the built up passion that was there for what felt like hours now it just took him a millisecond to make me come. Hard. Wave after wave rushing through me, making me float and hum and scream. 

My eyes still closed enjoying the aftermath rippling through my stomach I feel him sitting down next to me. I let my head fall onto his shoulder and smile.

“You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And really tasty I may add”, he says when resting his cheek on my head. 

“Same.” I’m still trying to go back to normal breathing. 

“Best shower ever.”

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That night was the beginning of… I don’t even have words to describe it. Something I thought was real. Something that could have worked out, I thought. Well, in the beginning it actually didn’t feel like more than relieving some tension with your best friend. We kept our other relationships going but always ended up making out, enjoying each other’s naked bodies. Enjoying the closeness we felt when making love. But neither of us dared taking any further action. It was ok for almost a year and a half. We had our own lives… feeling truly free when finally being able to be together again. Even if it was just for some hours, some nights.  
But we never stayed over.  
Never shared a breakfast together, waking up in each other’s arms. And for the time being even that was ok. There always was a certain distance. A professional distance. 

Countless times there was this awkward silence between us. For a moment I thought he would say “I love you” and I would have said “I love you too”. Because I did. Not that I would have ever say that out loud. Especially not now. Not after I made that horrible mistake. I stayed overnight. 

In the morning when I overheard him talking on the phone the falling ended – and I hit the ground. 

If I wouldn’t have we probably still would be living our two lives. The normal professional “we are friends and get along VERY well” one and the wonderful secret dream we shared - just the two of us. A dream I never wanted to wake from. 

It was good. It was pure bliss. But as all dreams this one ended. 

I take a deep breath and when I feel the tears finally subsiding I open my eyes again. They widen in shock as I see a well-known silhouette standing mere meters away from me. 

Ground swallow me. Not now please. Why does he always have to appear in moments where I’m so vulnerable all I can do is cry when he makes one of his comments? 

“Can we please talk?” His voice sounds warm and caring. A tone I haven’t heard in a century.

“Fuck off.” I get up from the couch and suddenly have this urge to run back to the party.

“Katic you will listen to me now! This might be the last chance I get!” He takes a step towards me and out of an instinct I move to the other side. 

“I said fuck off. There is nothing I have to talk about. Especially not to you.” He’s blocking my way again, standing dangerously close now. 

“Get out of my way!” I’m sure I don’t sound quite as convincing as I’d want to. But that very moment I could care less. All I want right now is to get away from him. Out of his reach, out of his sight out of his… everything. Just away.

“No.” His voice is low and dangerous.

“Fine.” He could have his way then. Mister “I’m too proud to care about anyone else but me” could just keep standing there, have things happen his way once more. 

I take a step towards the end of the fake wall, my exit, but within the blink of an eye he his blocking my path again. I look up to him. The sandals I’m wearing are making our size difference obvious. Suddenly I’m feeling very small though I know I’m anything but short. “Don’t u dare…”  
I feel the need to slap him, tell him all the things I kept inside for so long. Hurtful, mean things. Tell him what an asshole I think he is, how badly he hurt me, how he broke my heart. But I can’t. 

“Get. Out. Of. My. Way.” is the only thing I manage to say. If looks could kill he would drop dead this very moment. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t fall to the floor, feeling all the pain I felt these past years. He just stands there, unmoving. His eyes telling me to just go for what I’m thinking. Hurt him. For a long and never ending moment I stare at him. Like a wounded animal trapped between a predator and a wall. I don’t dare breaking eye contact. A century ago I was sure he’d never hurt me. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. But right now I’m not sure anymore what he is. An ex co-Worker? A hurt ex lover? I let out a sigh. Something ex for sure. 

His normally smooth and kind expression that kept making funny faces to make me laugh during long days at the set is gone. He looks older, angry, bitter somehow. His crystal clear blue eyes that always reminded me of an endless ocean look… dark. The blue watery depths are filled with the first signs of a heavy thunderstorm. A thunderstorm about to break lose. I’m almost sure I can smell alcohol on him. Well, after all it was a farewell party. And if he doesn’t want to be here as much as I do then he for sure drank enough. That thought makes me shiver.  
I neither dare moving nor looking away, neither does he, eying his prey. 

Suddenly I feel his hands grabbing my arms, turning me around and pushing me back. I let out a huffing sound when my back hits the hard wood of the door and a million memories break free. Again. 

That scene… that door… that night.

But he looks a lot different from the “Castle” I shot the scene with. From the man that suddenly ran off the set and confessing he wanted me when I went to look for him. 

“Fillion back off! Let go!” I plead. Am I scared? I don’t know. But I’m for sure not his prey. And he isn’t a hunter slaying me down. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to scream for help but I notice my whole body is shaking now. But it’s not out of fear I quickly realize. His scent, his body pressing against me. Good Lord how badly I miss him. How badly I miss his hands roaming over my body. His lips kissing me, his tongue teasing me. 

“No.” His voice is deep like the roar of thunder. His lips are on my throat even before he finishes the sentence. Kissing, licking. His hands are releasing my arms moving downward. He slightly touches the outside of my braless breasts before he starts caressing my sides, winding his arms around me back. Without realizing my body arches forward, needing more. 

“Tell me you don’t miss this and I will let go, Stana.”

The way he almost purrs my name makes me moan. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. The heat of his hands is radiating through the thin material of the summer dress. His grip get’s harder, almost painful as he traps my body between the door and his weight, pressing his growing erection into my stomach.

“I… don’t….” It’s hard to concentrate on words.  
On one word… “Don’t”, I repeat.  
A wave of heat rushes through my body. Want. Need. I bite my lip to keep another moan from escaping.

He lifts me up and involuntarily my legs wrap around his waist, making my dress ride up. Shivers are running up and down my spine as he grabs my butt and starts kneading, bringing my centre even closer to his. So close. 

“Tell me you don’t miss this… mean it… say it and I will let go.” 

My head falls back onto the door with a loud thud allowing him to bite and lick whatever bare flesh he can reach. Without even noticing I burry my hands in his hair, urging him on.

“Tell me you don’t miss it. Tell me you don’t dream of it every single night since… then… ‘cuz I do.”

Somewhere in the back of my head his words keep echoing. Like the echo in an empty cave. ‘Cuz I do. ‘Cuz I do. 

I don’t want this. I don’t want him. I don’t need him. Not anymore. I pulled myself back together and managed to live a life that doesn’t include him. I managed to hate him. 

“I do…”, I hiss as he once more bites down hard. 

“I DON’T. I don’t.” I’m trying to convince myself of the fact I don’t want this and don’t miss him. Like a mantra I keep repeating, “I don’t” hoping he would just believe me and let go.

I can feel his breath on my damp skin, his lips moving, moaning. Sweat is forming on my forehead. One of his hands is moving up to cover my cheek, forcing me to look at him as he starts a slow rhythm towards me with his hips. For a moment that contact leaves me breathless. I missed him. I did. I do. But I can’t do this. Not again. It took me so long to go back to a normal life. A normal life far away from dreams and hopes and love. I married Kris, we started a life together, things were ok. Things were easy. Not working but easy. 

“I’m married… Nathan… I’m married, let go.” I manage nothing more than a whisper, my breath getting stuck half way out. But instead of making him back off these words seem to make him angry. He thrusts harder and I can feel the little sounds escaping my mouth every time he grinds into me. Low grunts. I can feel how the heat inside me builds, how my core keeps getting wetter. I’m sure he can already feel it. Strangely right now I could care less. Of course if I knew how to stop it, I would. If I knew how to make this… thing… - chemistry, lust, hunger, whatever you want to call it - which always was there between us stop, I would. I would be all professional about it saying it’s just plane acting. Even though I know it never was. It always was real. On screen and off screen. The moment he looked at me a certain way I could feel it. When he was checking me out, looking at my breasts, my legs, my face. It always was real. I’m wet, for him, because of him. 

As if he was reading my mind he suddenly answered. “Can he do this to u? Can Kris do this to u?”

One hand is coming up to cup my breast, pinching it, kneading it, making the nipple stand out right away. Again, I can’t do anything else but moan. Little waves of pleasure ripple through my body and settle down between my legs. 

He keeps pressing his manhood against my clit and I can feel how it keeps swelling. 

“Don’t.” I gasp as I lean my forehead against his shoulder and he once more grabs my behind, pulling me even closer. Rubbing, circling, grinding. The friction our clothing creates is almost unbearable. All I would want to do right now is rip everything off - feel his skin covering mine, having him inside me, come together. 

With that image in my head and one last hard move towards me he sends me over the edge. Everything turns black. Entire bliss. Like the giant explosion that once spread the stars across the universe. My universe. Our universe. I bite down on the skin on his neck to keep me from screaming out his name. My body shivering, my hands looking for support on his shoulders. 

When I finally get my body back under control I start shaking my head.  
I can’t do this.  
Not again.

Suddenly he moves away. Just an inch, making my legs fall down back to the floor. It feels like a whole planet could fit between the sheer never ending distance of our bodies. 

“God, I have to…” is as far as I get when I can finally talk again. Breathing heavily I try to find his eyes in the shady aftermath of my climax. I have to go. I have to leave. I have to run away. Run back to my real life, to my real world before I get stuck in this dream again. 

“Can he make you come by just pressing his body against you?” He whispers into my ear when leaning forward. 

I try to go back to normal thinking. I try to tell him again I don’t need him, I don’t love him, I don’t want him. But I can’t. 

“No.” My voice sounds husky. I close my eyes again, leaning back against the door. Just one moment. I will follow my plan of running away in… one more moment. Later I could just tell myself I drank too much and this was just another stupid mistake I made along the way.  
Giving in to the temptation was the first mistake.  
Actually sleeping with my Co-Star the second.  
Thinking we could find a way to live happily ever after the third.  
And this, saying goodbye this way for sure was the fourth and last one I will ever make.  
Just one more moment. Don’t open your eyes, Stana. Just one moment. 

Even before I can finish my thoughts I can hear a ripping sound. I feel a sharp pain around my waist, cold air meeting wet skin, which sends a hundred butterflies flying through my entire body. In the corner of my eye I can see my black soaked slip fall to the floor. And then… the chill is gone. Wet flesh gets covered by a warm hand as he slides with his index finger inside of me, rubbing his thumb over my clit. 

“Nathan… God… please…” 

“Please what?”

“Make me come... please...” Did I just say that out loud? Almost two years ago, after our electric, overloaded with passion, heated liaison ended, I swore to myself to never ever let any man get that close to me again. To not let any man in the universe make Stana Katic beg. I didn’t before him and I would never do that again. Stana Katic is a strong independent woman that doesn’t have to ask twice about anything. Even less beg. And she for sure doesn’t cry. I feel tears running down my cheeks as I keep begging him. “Please”.

He adds a second finger, stretching me even more, making me realize what a year of abstinence did to me. As if he realized the same that very moment we both moan, a deep and lusty moan filled with passion and ecstasy. 

His free hand covers my breast again and I can feel the friction the clothing creates between his skin and mine. All of the sudden he leans down to kiss me. His lips seeking mine, his tongue caressing, begging for entrance. With a hard thrust with his fingers, he makes me gasps and enters my mouth without permission, conquering it, marking it as his territory. And I obey, hungrily trying to deepen the kiss. Tongues duelling, fingers pulling, back aching. Oh how I missed the sweet taste of his lips. The tender flesh of his mouth, the feeling of his fingers driving me crazy. 

Again he pulls away this time making me turn around with one swift sudden movement. Even before I can protest he brings his body behind me, pressing me against the door, putting his fingers back in place, at the same time making me feel his hunger for me on my lower back. With this position change he makes my nipples -which are begging for attention- rub against the wooden door. I try to reach back to touch him. But he keeps me from it by placing my hands on the door, for support. He starts moving his hips towards me while he keeps massaging my clit with his hand, kissing and biting my neck, licking over that sensitive spot right behind my ear. 

His rhythm is getting faster, harder, almost furious.

I can hear myself scream his name. Loud enough for everyone to hear. But I’m too far gone to care. All I want is more. 

My hands coming off the door pulling his head closer, tangling in his hair. His free hand suddenly squeezing one of my nipples. 

“Come for me, beautiful”, he whispers. Over and over again. 

And I do as he says. Over and over again as his hand slowly keeps pumping in and out of me, his thumb drawing circles on my wet flesh, his other fingers pinching my breast, his erection pressing into my back. 

A second before my legs give in and I feel like I’m going to fall to the floor his arm comes around my waist to support a weight I can’t carry myself. Crushing me to his body, making all the air that was left leave my lungs. I lean back and whine as he lets his other hand slide out of me to pull me even close into his embrace. My eyes are still closed as I try to catch my breath. Little coloured dots still jumping around - making it look like someone invested a lot of money into a firework. 

He doesn’t move. His head resting on my shoulder. His lips still caressing the skin of my neck. All that is heard for a long moment is silence. And unsteady breathing. I can still feel his throbbing member on my back and once more couldn’t help but wonder how he does it. I never met a guy with such a strong will. I remember all the endless nights of making love. Love… 

That word suddenly makes my brain pop back into working mode. Not again. I won’t let that happen again. I can just walk out of this stage, pretending this was just my way to finally say goodbye and never see him again. And of course I could always blame the alcohol which I already couldn’t feel anymore. But one way or the other I wouldn’t have to walk to the set anymore every single day, catching him eying me, seeing him smile. Castle is over, this is over, ‘us’ is over. 

I quickly turn around bringing my dress down my tights with one hand. I don’t dare to look at him.

“Stana…”

“No. Don’t… I can’t do this. I won’t do this again just to wake up one day and get my heart broken again. That’s it.”

“Give me one minute please.”

“Who do you think you are? Have you ever, just for one second, thought about what you did to me back then? I have a life. I have a husband and I’m fine without you!” This time I do sound as angry as I wanted to.

When I turn to leave he takes hold of my arm again. “Stana, wait! Let’s…”

“… talk about this? No!” I yell at him. Tears streaming down my face again as I break contact. 

Without looking at him I turn around and start walking away. 

I love you. Chances are I’ll see you in my dreams tonight, but I can’t do this.

For one second I allow myself to pause. I turn around and look at him. I wipe my face with the back of my hand. I’m going to go back to not caring, right now. Not caring about the figure standing there, wearing the expression of a broken man. Not caring about my heart breaking into a million pieces again when seeing him like that. Not caring about the need to run up to him, take him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be ok. And not caring about the piece of black ripped silk still lying on the floor next to him. 

“Goodbye.” I whisper as I turn around and walk out of the place that holds so many memories. Shares so many secrets with people that are willing to listen. 

I would not look back.  
The show is over.  
The party is over.  
And my life… well, back to chapter one: “How to live without Nathan Fillion.”


	2. Chasing shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part didn't quite go as planned - but let's see where it takes us...

The hot water is running down my body, washing away a feeling I can’t even describe. Ever since I fled the party I felt this meaningless emptiness inside of me grow, consuming me. I have felt it before. I’d say it is with me for a long time by now – but I learned to ignore it; live with it. Goodbyes were said, excuses were quickly made up… but with every step I took towards the cab it felt like I’m leaving something behind. More than once I thought about going back to stage 12. My heart yelling at me, telling me to just do it, to just run back into his arms. Telling him we should try to find a way; we should talk. “Nothing is ok”, my head said. “Nothing ever will be ok. There is nothing to talk about and nothing to work out.” 

A pain in my chest makes me close my eyes and I let the water run over my face. It’s the same pain I felt that morning – when I stayed over. Actually I thought my heart already was broken. Can a broken heart just break again? I turn the hot water up a bit more, trying to replace the heartache with something else, but it doesn’t seem to be working. His words keep echoing in my head, every single second keeps coming back to me, crushing me under a weight I thought I got rid of by now. I really thought I finally found a way to get over what we had – or what I thought we had, could have had… that dream we lived. I thought I understood already we were nothing more than two shadows chasing rainbows. Of course, if the walls around us had been able to talk they’d have shared a whole different story. A world full of secrets, hidden looks and desires. They’d have told everyone who was willing to listen about how much I wanted him, needed him. They’d talk about these never ending days on set when all I wanted to do was to finally get him undressed, just let every single piece of clothing fall to the floor, taking chances and making magic.

It always was so hard working with him when we didn’t get a single minute alone for weeks. We tried to keep living our normal lives filled with pretending and acting around everyone else. And on set – of course. But fact was during these weeks it was almost impossible to concentrate on lines and “light kisses” between Castle and Beckett. At least it was for me. For two whole years - that actually more felt like two months to me. We took so many breaks “to get whatever” just to get rid of the tension that kept building. I’m still stunned no one noticed. On the other hand we always got along so very well, why would anyone notice? What they did notice was the change. Everyone did notice us falling apart. 

I can’t help but think of that night when after what felt like an eternity we had the evening off. And unlike any other night we had way too much fun, just enjoying each other’s company for more than an hour. Kris was away on a business trip and Krista was… Away. That was all that mattered that night. Yes, we agreed on keeping it unofficial – a secret. We never even talked about any further steps. Actually I wanted to make that one step I was scared of the most that very evening. It felt right, it felt like it was time to be made. But after laughing and talking for hours and after even more hours of making love I simply fell asleep.

I remember waking up to the bright light of day and the smell of freshly brewed coffee floating the room. Entire bliss. Happiness. Love. I stretched my legs and rolled over, off the bed. A dorky smile spread over my lips. So, this was it, our first morning together… and I was more than ready to do what I badly wanted to do for weeks now. When looking around the room I found the white shirt he lazily dropped on the floor when we moved to the bedroom last night. I couldn’t help but laugh when I put it on. This badly reminded me of the “morning after” scene we shot - when Beckett enters the room in Castle’s shirt. It felt more right than anything I ever did. I closed some buttons, rolled back the sleeves and made my way to the kitchen, trying to make the stubborn morning hair stay out of my face. Chills were running down my spine with each step my bare feet made on the wooden floor, following the scent of coffee. I wasn’t sure if the chills were caused by the fresh morning air touching my still heated body or the little butterflies going crazy in my stomach. Maybe it was a mix of both. Maybe it was the thought of hugging him, telling him “I love you”. 

Ninja-style I sneaked up to the kitchen, pausing for a moment when I heard his voice. He obviously was talking to someone - on the phone. I wondered if I could make him scream in shock by just hugging him the second I reached him. 

“Yes I know.” He sounded serious. But it didn’t make me stop following my plan. I would make him squeak. I raised an eyebrow, smiling a devious grin, sneaking even closer. Of course I had a hard time to not laugh out loud by the thought of Ninja Stana preparing for her strike.

“It’s not like that. Why do people keep saying that?” Three more steps and the mission would be accomplished.

“Yeah, I know.” 3… 2… 1… ready to launch attack.

“Oh please. I’m not even attracted to her! Why would I be?” I froze, my smile fading. I wondered who he isn’t attracted too.

“I know we keep the sparks flying! ON SCREEN mate! She’s used to having men wrapped around her pinky… that’s her problem! Why would I want something like that? Remember I’m with Krista… yes, seriously… it’s an act to make people keep watching. And they do, don’t they?” 

For a moment I felt like I couldn’t breath anymore. Like for real?

“Oh and by the way… the show is called “Castle” not “Beckett”. Yeah, I know her acting skills are quite ok but without me there wouldn’t be a show. Get that fixed…”

My eyes widened in shock. I could neither move nor breathe nor think. Not attracted to her. Quite ok. Why would I want that? Not attracted to her. Quite ok. Why would I want that?

He hung up, sighed and turned around. He froze when he saw me standing right behind him. I started shaking my head, blinking, trying to wake up from the nightmare I just found myself in.

“God, honey…” He tried to close the distance between us but I took a step back and raised my hands.

“Don’t.”

“Honey, it’s not what it sounded like!”

“Don’t call me that ever again.” I took another step back. My legs felt like they were going to give in any moment. I could feel the tears form behind my eyes. Not now. I wouldn’t give him that kind of satisfaction. 

“Stana, wait. Let me explain.” He reached out for me but before his hands could touch me I managed to get my legs back under control.

“Whatever this was… it’s over.”

“Wait, let me explain. Please!” He came after me when I tried to make my escape to the bedroom.

“DON’T! Just… don’t!” I slammed the door shut got dressed in the blink of an eye and even before the tears started falling I ran out of the house. At least he made very clear what he thought of me. And what he thought of whatever was going on between us. I was so naive and blind to even consider this becoming something more. How stupid can one person be… I was ready to go public with this… with us… but it was good to know what he really thought of it. Nothing more than friends with benefits. 

I don’t know how many countless times he tried to talk to me after that day. But to me he made clear what he was after. I didn’t need any further explanation. To him I was nothing more than an affair. And on top of everything, he thought I’m not attractive AND a bad actress, really good to know. Aren’t we glad I didn’t pour out my heart to him, telling him he is all I ever dreamed of. Well, made it easier to deal with the emotions and feelings that kept flying around the coming months.  
And at some point he just stopped talking to me. I really wish it would have stayed that way – not talking and just getting the job done. But after some months he stopped the not talking. Instead of being professional he dropped the obvious act that made me feel like he actually really cared about me and became an asshole. He started with dropping mean comments every now and then, finally reaching a level where he obviously was drawing pleasure out of making me cry.  
We went back to how things were supposed to be: we hated each other.

He got engaged, I got married, I wanted to quite, didn’t, came back, end of happily ever after. One more season can’t harm. Some more days on set. Maybe he grew up, finally able to get a JOB done PROFESSIONALLY. But of course he couldn’t just let it end this way. While shooting season eight it got even worse. As if me living a life far away from him made him angry… encouraging him to be an even bigger pain in the ass. So, at some point I decided to not be on set whenever he was. We had our scenes together, got it done together and then stayed out of each other’s sight – until they finally decided to cancel the show.

But just when I was on the best way to make my peace with what happened and walk away with flying colours and ringing notes he had to make the old wounds bleed again. He had to make me think of him again, long for him. He had to show up on the set and do what he did. 

I’m trying to make the feel of his lips disappear by rubbing my eyes… his hands, his scent… his body pressing against mine, without any success, obviously. 

A frustrated grown escapes and I hit the wall of the shower with my hands.  
“Goddamn it! Why are you doing this to me?” 

From far away the ring of a doorbell pulls me back to the present. Kris must have forgotten his keys again – at whoever’s place. I shut the water down, hop out of the shower, quickly dry myself off and put the black dress back on. As I make my way to the door I try to go back to acting normal and get my face to show the “I don’t care” expression. I pause for a second before opening, taking a deep breath. 

“You are lucky I got back earl…” I stop, as the half opened door doesn’t reveal Kris. I immediately want to close it again but even before that thought could be put in action he steps in, stopping right behind me.

I don’t dare turning around. “Fillion… I didn’t invite you in.” My voice sounds dangerous. 

“I know.” 

“Out.” I still hold the door open, awaiting him to just leave. Please. But he doesn’t move. 

“Are you alone?” His voice sounds soft all of the sudden.

“None of your business.” Mentally I’m begging him to leave. But again he doesn’t. 

“Are you alone?”, he repeats. 

Without wanting to I nod. 

“Then… five minutes, Stana. Give me five minutes. And if you still want me to leave I will, I promise.”

I didn’t notice I was holding my breath but when closing the door saying “Fine” it feels like a ton of air is leaving my lungs. I still have my back turned to him, trying to show him I’m actually not interested in anything he has to say.

I can literally hear him thinking. “I’m sorry.”

I laugh. “YOU are sorry? What on earth are you…”

“Wait. You agreed on five minutes”, he interrupts. “Can you please let me use the time wisely and not interrupt?”

I let my head sink, closing my eyes again. “If it makes you leave faster…”

He still isn’t moving but it feels like he actually would want me to turn around and look at him. “Stana, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being the asshole I was. I’m sorry you overheard the conversation in the morning. It wasn’t…” He pauses, looking for words. “It wasn’t REAL, you know? It was… I was… they were… god, when thinking of what to say on my way here it was much easier. It actually all was making sense in my head.” He’s taking a deep breath starting over. “My agent was on my nerves for days, telling me how many rumours were flying around and that I should finally act on it… ‘Yes, we are a couple’ or ‘No, I despise her’, you know? And I was sure you wouldn’t want us to go public. I wasn’t sure what you thought of the whole ‘us’ topic. I wasn’t even sure if there even WAS an ‘us’. I know you are a private person and I respect that, I mean, I respected it back then and I didn’t want you to feel pressured with anything. I just didn’t know what to do or what to say that very moment. It felt like people wanted to ruin what we had. The little world we created just for the two of us. Where you belonged to me and everything was perfect the way it was. It was the best morning ever when I woke up to you. BEST MORNING EVER, I swear. It felt right and perfect and like… it was meant to be that way. I watched you sleep; I saw the sunrise on your skin. It was the most amazing sight I have ever seen. I wanted to tell you so many things that morning… surprise you with breakfast. And then that call came in. I just should have rejected it. But I didn’t. And… he was on my nerves so badly. It made me angry. I was furious and I just wanted him to shut up and… I came up with the worst and most untrue things I could think of. Just to make him shut up. To make people stop asking, make them leave us alone. I was shocked when I noticed you were standing there, hearing everything. I wanted to explain to you, tell you why I said what I said… but you didn’t let me. You didn’t give me the chance to explain. I know… I must have hurt you so badly and I’m sorry. It never was my intention. I just… wanted it to stop. And… when you didn’t let me explain…” 

He stops. I can hear the tears he is fighting in his voice.

“You didn’t let me explain. And I understood… I wanted to give you some time, let you calm down and then try again. But you just were so… I don’t know. It hurt me. Seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you. I understand Stana… I did the worst thing you can possibly do to someone you love. And with every day passing I got angrier because I couldn’t explain. ‘Cuz you didn’t LET me explain. At some point it hurt so bad I couldn’t think anymore and suddenly all I wanted to do was… hurt you back so you eventually finally would realize, I don’t know, realize everything. Then again I think I was too far gone to… stop. You hurt me - and the person I use to be when other people are around. You know, the one with the big ego and the huge self-confidence… but you know that’s not the real me. You know that. But when I finally noticed, it already was too late. I couldn’t go back and I couldn’t stop saying all these mean things to u. I couldn’t stop making you cry.” 

He sighs, uncomfortably shifting his weight from one leg to the other. 

“You are the most talented actress I ever had the pleasure to work with and, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever set my eyes on. Any man who doesn’t worship the ground you walk on is a complete fool, like me. I’m a fool… an idiot, a jerk, a moron and an asshole, but that asshole loves you with all his heart and can’t imagine being another second without you.”

Stillness. Neither my head nor my heart has anything to say right now. But the strangest of all feelings finds it’s way into my soul. It feels like my broken wings healed and are getting ready to fly towards the sky again. His words start to sink in and I slowly turn around. I can see tears running down his cheek and I swallow hard. 

“Can… can you repeat that? The last part I mean.” I’m having trouble keeping the emotions out of my voice.

“I’m an idiot, a jerk, a moron and an asshole?” He flashes me that dorky grin of his and makes me burst into laughter, breaking the tension that has filled the room ever since he entered. “A super funny one but… still an asshole.” I playfully want to slap him on the chest as I so often did in the first years. But instead of hitting him my hand decides to do something else – it softly finds its place on his chest, right over his heart, and becomes unmoving. For a long moment my eyes rest on my hand, watching it move with his breathing. I notice drips of water falling from my still wet hair onto my arms. 

When I finally look up to him, into those blue eyes, his voice isn’t more than a whisper. “And I love you.” 

My hand comes up to touch his face, trying to make the tears he shed disappear. After all these years of imagining what it would be like… him saying these three little words to me. It feels like the world that went still around me suddenly begins to move again. No dream ever got close to this feeling that surrounds me right now. 

As I move closer to him one of his arms comes around my waist, his other hand touching my face – mirroring mine. 

“I …” The sound of keys unlocking a door make me jump. As I take two huge steps back from Nathan the door opens and my eyes widen in surprise. A well-known figure appears in the doorframe and gives me back a surprised look as well. 

“I thought you were at the party! I just… forgot my cell.” 

“Hi.” Nathan waves his hand, miserably failing in sounding like his normal funny self.

Kris’s eyes go from surprised to angry as he looks at my former co-worker, then back to me. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything ‘important’”. I hate when he uses that tone. It always annoys the hell out of me when he is trying to be sarcastic.

“You are. Get your phone and then please head back to what’s-her-name… but something with big boobs and enough money to support your lifestyle.”

A despairing laugh fills the room. “Deborah… her name is Deborah.” 

Slowly he walks past me, grabbing his phone off the dresser, patting Nate on the shoulder. “I bet you’ll have some fun with that delicious little body of hers. Others had before… well, I had before, ‘til the little slut decided she needs something… less manly, obviously.”

Within the instant of a second Kris finds himself pushed hardly back into the wall next to the dresser, his phone falling to the floor and making a loud cracking sound.

“What did you just call her?” Nathan is holding him on both sides of his collar, one moment away from hurting him badly – I can tell.

“Oops… I meant ‘my wife’.” He’s trying hard but isn’t able to free himself from Nathan’s hold on him. 

“Let go. It’s ok. It’s not worth it.” Unmoving I watch Kris straighten his Shirt and Jeans Jacket, giving Nathan another one of his poised smiles. 

“Good boy.” He pats his head actually asking to get a good punch in the face. Nathan looks at me, asking for permission but I shake my head. Though I’m dying to see someone finally wiping that grin out of his face. 

He quickly picks up his cell, shoving it into the pocket of his jeans and turns to leave. “Oh and before I forget…” Before I even know what’s happening he pulls me into a tight embrace, holding me in position with a painfully strong grip. “Game’s changed… When I’m back we’ll have some fun too. After all you are my sl... uhm... wife…” I struggle to break lose. I can see Nathan rushing to my side but before he can reach me I free my right arm and slap Kris as hard as I can. 

The next thing I feel is a burning pain in my cheek and Nathan pushing me out of the way – just one second too late – shoving Kris out of the door into the hallway. 

Loud voices, muffled sounds, but I can’t make out what they are saying. Or doing. All I can hear loud and clear is a ringing noise inside my head. Pain, tears filling my eyes. But I can neither move nor cry. I just stand there. I would want to scream. I’d want to be able to move. But I just can’t. I should have known. I should have known things wouldn’t work out that way. But I never thought he’d turn into a monster. How could I possible have overseen that change? 

I can hear a cracking sound. Almost like bones breaking and a painful cry.  
Nathan. I have to help him. What if he’s hurt? What if Kris keeps hurting him? 

Still I can’t move. It’s like some kind of roots are holding me in place, making my legs stick to the ground. I don’t know at what point Kris became whoever he is now. But this for sure wasn’t the person anymore I felt ok with to be around. He went from “easy to have around” to dangerous – almost within an instant. How could I have possible overlooked that? 

“Now get lost, before your nose accidentally runs into my first again!” A loud vice echoes off the walls. Like a Lion’s growl it ripples through the hallway. It’s Nathan. I’m sure of it. I’d be able to tell his voice apart from two zillion others. Even though I never heard anything close to this tone coming from him. So he wasn’t the one getting hurt. He isn’t hurt. 

I want to call out for him. But the words are dying in my throat before they come out. Everything around me starts spinning. Thoughts rushing through my head so fast I can’t even tell what they mean or what they want to tell me. 

“Baby, are you ok?” My eyes are still focused on nothing. Everything is feeling numb except the burning heat on my cheek. How dare he… 

“Stana, talk to me. Are you ok?” I can feel Nathan’s hands on my shoulders. Still I can neither go back to talking nor get my eyes to stop starring into the big emptiness before them. What had just happened? 

“Honey…” His hand is softly touching my face. I frown and can suddenly draw in a deep and badly needed breath.

“Unexpected”, I hear myself say. 

“Come on. Let’s get you out of here.” I want to say ‘yes please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘please get me as far away from here as possible’ and ‘are you ok?’ But instead I just nod. Not ever, in all my life did a man lay hand on me that way. I don’t know if it is the shock of it happening to me, or the fact my so called husband just slapped me but I’m unable to think straight. Of course it wasn’t as bad as the stories you read on the newspapers but… what on earth just happened? I let him slap me. And I didn’t start yelling at him or stayed cool and brave… nothing of what I actually thought I would do if something like this would happen. I always thought if anyone should ever dare to mug me I’d run after him, jump him like Beckett would and send him flying to the ground. After all this was “just” a slap in the face – yes, a rather hard one – but I should have been able to react differently. I should HAVE reacted a different way. I should be able to breathe and think and talk. Why can’t I? 

Without saying another word I put on my shoes and let Nathan guide me out. How on earth could I let him watch me doing nothing? I shake my head, try to go back to normal thinking and my usual self. But instead of being able to do so I feel like I’m about to burst into tears any second. I feel embarrassed.

“It’s ok honey.” He says as if he could read minds. I would want to give him a smile, take his hand and then just walk out of this place with my head held high. It seems to be too much to ask for right now though. My head isn’t willing to come up, look ahead. Instead it’s still glued to my left hand. I freeze when I finally noticed what I’m starring at. The ring. 

“Wait.” I’m trying to get the ring off my finger but it seems like it suddenly shrunk. My hands start shaking. I’m trying to take a deep breath and calm down but it seems virtually impossible. In the corner of my eyes I notice Nathan looking at me, wanting to help me but he doesn’t dare to. He knows he can’t help me with this. He knows I have to do this on my own. I’m starting to get angry, pulling harder, teeth grinding together. 

After what seems like an eternity the stubborn little beast lets go of my finger. I can’t believe I really thought this could ever work out. I can’t believe I was so stupid to do something like this just to hurt the person I love, still I did. At least I figured out on time. Well, if you can call two years ‘on time’. I close my eyes for a moment, still fighting the tears. I can do this. With head held high and everything, ‘you can do this Stana’.

I look up to the ceiling; take a deep breath and step back into the apartment. With a loud smack I let the ring land on the dresser, pick up my purse from the floor where I left it before and bang the door shut. 

Well done, girl. Head held high, just keep moving. I don’t dare looking at Nathan, afraid I wouldn’t be able to finish this the way I planned, starting to cry instead. 

Head high, shoulders back I start walking down the stairs to the exit of the building. I don’t have to look back to know he is right there, walking just a step behind me. He always had my back, back then, without a word he always knew when to help me and when to just shut up and let me do whatever on my own. The past years have been everything but easy, on the contrary, they were the worst in my life. Still in the back of my head I always hoped he would be there, doing this. Have my back and just be there. Yet, he is. After everything that happened he found the courage to make me listen to him, he didn’t just let the past be past. He walked up to my door, made me listen, told me he loves me and on top of everything broke my soon to be ex-husband’s nose after he raised his hand against me. Boom. 

It doesn’t show but on the inside I’m smiling.


	3. Making magic

I watch the nightly skyline rush by the window. The lights of the big city turning night into day, people passing by, buildings becoming taller as we drive towards them. I look up to the bright blue-black-orange sky, looking for stars, but there are none. At least none that I can see – the light swallowed all of them, as it does every night in here. Sometimes I miss living on the countryside and my nightly companions when looking up – the stories they always told me about; a journey. 

His place isn’t that far away but it feels like we are sitting in the cab for ages by now. Normally I wouldn’t mind – I know this trip by heart. But tonight it feels way different. I hate having to sit here; I hate the feeling of having to run; I hate the silence surrounding us, only broken by the city’s noises and the running engine of the cab. He tried to talk to me when we got in - trying to make me smile, take my head off things. But he noticed I’m struggling with something else, with trying to figure out what just had happened. So he stopped the babbling, the stupid jokes and gave me whatever room I needed, or don’t need. I’m not sure. I don’t know anymore what to think, what to want. It’s amazing how one single moment, one second, can turn your life upside down. Some hours ago I was sure I managed to say my final goodbye, be ok with whatever happened or didn’t happen. I thought I could move on, go back to living a life that didn’t include surprises, promises no one would be able to keep and wrong ideas about a future that would never happen. Something feels wrong. 

He told me he loves me, Nathan told me he loves me. And I was ready to tell him I feel exactly the same way. Then again, life happened. Should I take it as sign? Should I be forewarned? Is life telling me this won’t work out anyhow? Is some higher force telling me I’m making another huge mistake by agreeing to go with him? I never felt more unsure as now. A lifetime ago I knew I wanted him. Even some hours ago I knew the only right thing would be go back to try and move on, without him. Then again faith had some other plans and he said what he did. And all I wanted was to be with him again. Am I supposed to go back to “without him” now? God, there is terrible confusion in my head. 

I sigh and touch my cheek. Without Kris for sure, but am I ready to… Gosh, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be ready for! Things were so much easier when I was younger. See, want, have, thank you, goodbye. But Nathan changed it all. He changed my way of thinking, my way of feeling – just to make me come crashing down to the hard ground of reality again. It looks like I was living an illusion. That’s something that for sure doesn’t work out. Still… why do I want it? I want him. I think. I’m sure. Or so… 

Get a hold on yourself, Stana. If you are here with him it for sure is out of a reason. You want to talk, you want to tear down that wall you built to keep you safe from his looks, his words, his touch. Right?

I increase the pressure on my face making me hiss. There, that’s better. Pain always helped me to go back to rational thinking. No more stupid thoughts. So far I didn’t take any step into any direction. I’ll just wait and see where it takes me. Where it takes us. His eyes shoot up to me and it feels like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. In the corner of my eyes I can see him letting his head sink. It feels like he is having the same silent argument I’m having with myself. I shake my head and let it rest against the cold surface of the window. What am I supposed to do? Waking up to a fairytale didn’t end well last time. Still I feel myself getting drawn right back into one. The shiny knight in armour appears to free the princess and they ride off into the sunset on a milky white stallion. Cheesy. On the other hand, doesn’t every girl wait for that fairytale to come true?

I sigh again, trying to make the tears I feel forming behind my eyes go away. He moves closer to me, not touching at first. It almost looks like he is unsure of what to do. But without any further hesitation he reaches over to me, putting his hand on my leg. As if he felt my need to cry, trying to comfort me. For a brief moment I look at him, clenching my teeth, fighting the urge to lean my head onto his shoulder. I’m not going to start crying in a cab… 

He looks back at me - understanding. I’m actually waiting for him to say something, tell me everything is going to be ok. He doesn’t, instead he goes back to looking out of the window. So do I. 

I’m starting to wonder again how come I’m making such a big deal out of what happened with Kris. Yes, his reaction was unexpected, low, nothing I ever would have thought of. But after all we weren’t the role model of a married couple. Actually we were nothing else than two people sharing a place together, talking every now and then about random stuff. I always knew, deep down in my heart, it wouldn’t last forever anyhow. I didn’t want it to last forever, even less turn into some kind of “happily ever after”. I had my reasons to marry him, yes, I thought we could make something work. Some kind of friendship that got sealed by a ring , one that would save me from getting asked the same questions over and over again. I thought I knew Kris, on top of everything I thought he would respect me. I thought we had an agreement. And I really thought it would make me forget Nathan at some point. Still here we are, about to start a journey into the unexpected, the unknown. 

“Hey… we’re there.” His hand leaves my leg and he leans forward to talk to the driver. Lost in thoughts I get out of the car, not bothering to say a ‘thank you’ or ‘have a good evening’ as I usually would. 

I deeply inhale the night air, pausing for a moment. Clinging to my purse I walk up to the entrance of the house that feels so very familiar to me. I can’t count the times I have been standing here, this exact spot. But it’s been a while since I last ended up here. Memories start crashing down on me again and everything starts to become blurry. I hear footsteps behind me, Nathan fumbling for the keys, a door opening. I can feel the tears about to free themselves from their prison and I try to make them go away, win a fight I obviously can’t. 

“Bathroom,” I say when finally stepping inside. The hot liquor starts to burn behind my eyes. I feel embarrassed, stupid even for not being able to hide it anymore. I’ll just go to the bathroom, sit down on the floor and cry for a minute… or two. And when I’m done I’ll put on my fake smile and everything will be ok again. Something I learned to do the past months and years.

“No, wait.” He pulls me into his strong embrace within the blink of an eye. I want to protest, break free. I would want to put up a fight, run away, hide in whatever cave I can find. My fists start hitting his chest, ‘let go’ I plead silently. But none of these words leave my mouth. With every hit I can feel him tightening his arms around me, holding me so very close. And suddenly all I can do is cry. I start sobbing so bad I’m worried about not being able to breath anymore. Tears start streaming down my face, making my body shake with the sheer force of them. I feel my legs starting to shake, how I start to not be able anymore to keep my body upright. Walls break down, legs give, tears fall uncontrollably. He starts to sink to the floor with me, not letting go for even a millisecond. 

“Shhh… it’s ok. I’m here. It’s ok.” I bury my face in his chest, cling to him as if my life depended on it. “I’m here.” 

“How could I let this happen?” I ask in between sobs, not even sure what exactly I mean. How could I let him go? How could I let him get close to me again? How could I marry Kris? 

He does neither reply nor say anything else – just continues to hold me, tighter than ever before. The way I always wished he would have over the past years. And I keep crying, letting go of all the emotions that had built up over all this time. The ones I never dared sharing, talking about. Eventually because I knew it would lead to something like this. Uncontrollable crying. Tears I might not be able to stop from falling on my own. It always was easier to fake a happy “I’m fine”, for sure easier than having to face this. 

I cry like I never did before in all my life. My world is crashing down around me, rebuilding a second later just to crumble to dust again. He holds me through all of it, strong, like a mountain able to survive thunderstorms, blizzards, even the end of time. 

I’m still shaking with sobs, but suddenly this feeling embarrassment starts to fade away – getting replaced by something else. It actually feels good to finally let go. All the hard feelings I had towards him, the pain he caused – I caused, the suffering, the fighting, the yelling. An immense pressure seems to finally fall off me. Freeing me from a weight I didn’t notice I was carrying on my shoulders. He moves his hands up and down my back, comforting me, at the same time encouraging me to just let it all out. 

He’s seen me at my weakest now, still so far he didn’t run screaming. He seems to take me as I am. Behind my closed eyes I see pictures of him. Holding my hand, smiling at me. Memories of my world melting away whenever he looked at me. All my troubles, all my fears dissolving in his reflection. Good times. And suddenly I’m sure… I’m sure of what I want. I want him. I want to make this work. I want to rebuild the dream that got shattered by reality.

With this thought in my head I feel the tears finally subsiding. The pain all cried out, decisions made. He patiently keeps holding me, not daring to move or let go. Ever so gently he keeps whispering to me words of love, promises. He’s telling he is sorry over and over again; telling me about how badly he would have wanted to hold me when he could see the tears behind my eyes all this time apart.

My heart is pounding in my chest tighten my hold on him - almost scared he’s going to leave when I open my eyes. Of course he doesn’t. Thank goodness he doesn’t. 

When the tears finally dry out I slightly lift my head a little and notice his shirt being all wet and smeared with my makeup. “I’m… sorry for… the shirt…” I sniff, nestling my head back onto his chest. 

“Oh please! I have this magical thing called washing machine! I shall have to show you! It’s magic! You put dirty stuff inside and it comes out aaaaaaall clean!” 

Whatever he thought the past… gosh, eventually hour, now his only mission seems to be to make me laugh. And he does. With breathing still being rather difficult I start laughing. But it doesn’t really come out as laughter… it more sounds like grunting. I cover my mouth, trying to make these strange noises stay inside.

“That… sounded like a pig.” Embarrassment, here we go again.

“Oh contraire! It didn’t sound like a pig. It sounded like a really really sweet pig.” He gets up from the floor, snickering, reaches for my hands and pulls me to my feet. I look to the floor for a long time and can practically feel his eyes on me, studying me. When I finally can look up to him I see the most beautiful, perfect, breathtaking smile ever. 

“Thank you for...” I’m looking for words.

“Always.” 

For a moment I feel like I’m going to wake up from the best dream I have ever had. He’s standing so close now I can almost feel his heartbeat on my skin. It’s so even, so strong and soft at the same time. Soothing somehow. I keep looking at him, waiting for him to vanish. But he doesn’t. By now I should know this isn’t a dream and he really is here. The past hours really had happened. Like in slow motion I reach out to touch his face, somehow still scared I would wake up alone in my bed if I make a too sudden movement. 

“I love you. Always have.” He leans down to kiss me. He stops before finally locking his lips on mine. Hesitantly, making sure to check my face for any signs of this not being ok. Trying to figure out if I’m going to run away or stay if he does this now. I stay. Of course I do. This kiss feels different though. Softer, slower, almost shy. 

I feel his tongue touching my bottom lip and open my mouth with a sigh. All of the sudden our tongues meet in the most erotic dance and…

“Ouch!” I break the kiss when he brushes over my right cheek. It still stings a little.

“Uch, I’m sorry… wait, I’ll get you some peas.” 

“Peas?” I shout after him as I suddenly notice him being gone, running into the kitchen.

Sticking his head back out he asks: “Would you prefer a steak?” 

“For my face? Gross! I’ll go with the peas please.”

“Pease please on the way, my countess.” He playfully bows down and vanishes again. 

I shake my head. He truly is amazing. Childish, stupid, stubborn, sometimes a pain in the ass but he is quite something. A moment ago I thought I’d never ever be able to stop crying again and now I’m actually chuckling. Well, grunting – or whatever strange sounds come out of my mouth. On top of everything I’m standing here in the middle of his living room wanting to do nothing more than just rip off his clothes. Quite interesting mix of emotions… I wipe my face, trying to make the black rings my mascara for sure left under my eyes go away and decide to sit down on the couch - kicking off the shoes and pulling my legs under me. I’m officially a mess… 

“Frosted peas are the best after a tough bar fight.” He sits down next to me handing over the cold package.

I hit him, playful but still hard enough to make him huff. 

“Ok ok I surrender!!!!” he shouts. Yes, childish, but amazing. 

“You can stop being stupid now. I’m ok. I think. Somehow.”

“You think? Then I wasn’t ‘stupid’ enough yet.” He makes sure I notice his fingers making the quotation marks for “stupid” in mid air.

Again I can’t do anything else than giggle. I missed this. I missed him. I missed us. I put the peas on my cheek and it feels like they are melting away the second they touch the skin. I blow out some air.

“I won’t ever let that jackass get anywhere close to you, I swear.” 

I let out a sigh, unwilling to go back to thinking of what happened. I can’t help but wonder… “So... you really broke his nose?”

“I told you the karate lessons would pay off one day!” If he wouldn’t be busy trying to sound cool he’d for sure do one of his victory dances by now, followed by a loud ‘in your face’!

“You know… sometimes I really wonder if you just PLAYED Castle or if you actually are him.”

“What? You mean a handsome, good-looking, charismatic, funny, intelligent, adorable… did I mention good-looking? Anyways, where was I? Right, good-looking, hunky, attractive, mysterious guy with a really good taste in women? Yes, I probably am him.” 

Women. Right. Emotional me taking over again. I look to the floor. “As much as I don’t want to, I should get going. I’m sure Krista wouldn’t be too happy about me being here.” 

“Yeah…” He sounds way too serious all of the sudden. The playful voice he used to make me laugh is gone. I sigh. It probably was a bad idea to come here. All of this probably was happening too fast anyhow. Me fighting with whatever feelings and him being… him. Apologizing, telling me he loves me, me being ready to jump him right there. We probably should slow down, talk about everything, sort things out and then see where it takes us. I want to get up, get ready to leave. “On the other hand… why would she come over?”

“Huh?” I look at his face, trying to read the expression he’s wearing. “Because she is your fiancée? And you live together?”

“Ah right. Nope, she left.” He makes a long pause, resting his head on one hand, posing like Auguste Rodin’s Thinker. Am I not getting something here?

“Would you mind spilling the beans?”

“We broke up about…” Another long pause. “Five months ago.”

“What? Why?” Don’t sound too excited now Stana. 

“Well, I guess she wasn’t too fond of the fact I accidentally called her… by another woman’s name.” 

I raise an eyebrow, waiting for him to finish the story.

“In quite not so appropriate situations.”

I’m lost. Even if my brain was working properly I wouldn’t be able to follow. So he isn’t engaged anymore and called his former fiancée by another woman’s name? What am I supposed to think here?

“Four times plus.” He coughs. “In bed.” 

Suddenly I feel the urge to jump off the couch and start yelling at him. Why? I actually have no clue. I have no right to make any scene about him being in a long-term relationship. But ‘another woman’s name’ doesn’t really make anything easier right now. I’m not sure I want to or should ask who he is talking about. I turn away from him and frown. Can this evening get any worse? He probably wanted to make another silly joke or distract me. Too much information for my brain to process right now. I should go, ask if we could sleep over everything and then talk in the morning.

“Stana.”

“Yeah?” I turn my head back, trying to look as normal and serious as possible. For sure too fast. All this was happening way too fast. I wasn’t thinking. I should have thought before coming over, before getting my hopes up high again out of the blue. Well, not out of the blue but… 

“I called her Stana, stupid.” 

Surprised doesn’t quite describe my face. “Oh.”

“She made quite a scene about it…” He shakes his head. “When she started the whole ‘you never really loved me, you love her don’t you?’ yelling all I could answer was yes. The idiot I was… or am finally saw the truth. Well, better late than never, right? And then she left.” 

I look at him for a long moment. “Five months?”

He laughs. “I wanted to tell you… but I have to admit I couldn’t really work up the courage to try and talk to you again. Talk to you about what I just discovered. 'Til… earlier. It felt like it was my last chance. Also what should I have said? I’m not engaged anymore because I figured out I’m madly in love with you, please get divorced, let’s try to make this work and spend the rest of your life with me!”

“Probably wouldn’t have worked too well,” I admit. I might have ended up slapping him, wondering if this was another way to send me to my dressing room crying.

I place the pack of peas on the small table in front of me, put my elbows on my knees and burry my face in my hands. “Why does everything in life have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just go make all the right decisions that need to be made and then live happily ever after?”

He puts his hand on my back, leaning forward. “Well, I guess that’s what you might call life’s mystery. That’s what keeps us going.” I feel him shrugging slightly. “But everything that happened lead us right to this moment, don’t you think? Every mistake we made, every wrong path we followed… it lead us right here.”

I smile a sad smile while his thumb is painting lazy patterns on my back. “What if…” I turn back to face him. “What if it goes wrong again?” I’m scared of his answer. Somewhere in the back of my head a voice keeps yelling at me, asking how can I be so stupid to even consider giving him another chance – eventually getting my heart broken all over again by rushing into this.

“What if the world ends tomorrow?”

“Stop being a smart ass… I’m serious.”

“Me too!” He puts his hand on my leg again. “What if it stops spinning tomorrow? What if the sun explodes? What if… there’s a huge alien invasion and they kill all human beings within the blink of an eye? What if we just stop existing tomorrow? Life is so very unpredictable. Cross a street, get hit by a car, congrats you are dead.” He narrows his eyes, trying to think carefully of what to say next. I see his hand coming up, softly brushes his fingertips over my face. Like a kiss from a butterfly.  
“I wasted so many years. I didn’t have enough courage to tell you I wanted more. I was scared you’d reject me… leave me. But look what happened! We did leave each other. We ran into someone else’s’ arms just to keep us from seeing the truth. I was… a fool to believe backing off was the right thing to do. I was a fool to believe you would come back to me just like that, after what I did to you. After hurting you the worst ways possible.”  
He lets his hand sink again, sighing loudly. “I dreamed of you – every single night, longed for you, ever since you left in the morning. But I didn’t do anything about it. I wanted to. Really badly… but you were so cold and distant and I was hurting so bad. So instead of doing the right thing… I did the exact opposite, driving you even further away. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of pretending and I’m tired of being too scared to tell you what I want. I’m tired of only telling you how much I love you in my dreams. It sucks! Like really…”  
He moves a bit closer to me. “Stana, you are the last thing I can think of when falling asleep and the first when I wake up again. Fuck all the ‘what ifs’. I want you. If you don’t feel the same it’s… ok. Well not ok. But I’m not going to give up the fight this time. You can have all the time in the world if you just say you at some point are willing to forgive me. I screwed up… badly. I know that. I know I lost your trust, your friendship and your love. But I’m willing to work on this, earn it all back - even if it takes a lifetime. I’d rather go down fighting then not trying at all. You are… everything I could ever hope for, long for and dream of.”

The honesty in his eyes leaves me speechless. Incoherent thoughts race through my head. A million things to say, a million things to do. But I just keep staring. Looking at the so familiar face before me. It feels like I already know him for a century – our souls knowing each other from a life way back; way before way before this one. I notice he is holding his breath, waiting for me to say something. I close my eyes, trying to sort out all the thoughts in my head; trying to figure out something good to answer. The still wet hair is falling down from behind my back as I lower my head, breaking the eye contact.

“Stana, look…”

I take a deep breath, gathering all the courage I have left right now. He’s what I want, what I need, what I want - the only thing I am sure of right now. 

“Shut up,” I answer in a rather harsh way. “You are the most remarkable, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met.” I stop and raise my hand as I notice he wants to comment on my stolen Castle-line. “And if you interrupt me now I think I’m going to get up and walk out of this room, because…”  
I swallow hard, trying to think. I shake my head. “Because I don’t know for how long this… courage is going to stay with me. And there are some things I need to say out loud.”  
It feels like I’m sounding beyond stupid. But I don’t care right now. I really need to say out loud what keeps spinning around in my head.  
Just keep going.  
“I’m scared.” I keep looking at the floor, ashamed to look at him when pouring out my heart. “Before I met you everything in life was so clear to me. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. And I for sure did not believe in that thing called love. I always thought it was just meant for fairy tales and books and movies. Just not for me. And I was ok with it. Then I met you… I never felt like this with anyone ever before. You turned into my best friend and… when all that tension became too much… you became something else. At first I thought it was just a nice way to entertain me, you know? Relieve some tension, go back to being able to work with you – without having to picture you naked all the time.” That comment makes me laugh as it makes me think of the countless times I did just that – picture him naked, secretly checking him out, for something like four years.  
I look to the side, trying to put my thoughts in words. “No man ever made me laugh so hard and cry so bad. No one ever made me feel comfortable and safe and all the other little things you did to me. Blatantly stupid but… you made me believe in love again. And I hated myself for letting it get to that point. Cuz… it’s not something I do. I always was the one breaking hearts, getting what I wanted and then move on. See, want, have, thank you, goodbye… you know? Strong and independent. That’s what I am… or was before you walked into my life. You turned everything upside down. You showed me so many things. DID so many things no one else was able to do.” 

I’m losing the thread here, caught up in memories. I take a deep breath and look at my folded hands. “Unlike you Kris was… he was easy. I liked him, I cared about him and… I thought I knew him. He never caused any kind of mixed up emotions. He never took me to this… heights. He never made my heart ache for him… or my body. He used to be safe. By the time I noticed we wouldn’t be able to make anything else than a friendship work it was too late. I was too far gone. I really wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. So we got married. And when figuring out I wasn’t even able to give anything else than friendship to him anymore… it was ok. He had his affairs, I had mine… until I gave up because… nothing seemed to satisfy me in any way. Hell, even that was ok! It felt safe, I felt in control of whatever was going on. I could finally make my piece and let you go. I was heartbroken but finally able to move on.”

One of my thumbs starts rubbing over the knuckles of the other hand, scratching, keeping me from starting to cry again this way. There for sure was no going back now. I would just get everything out and if he would leave, fine. Then I at least told him everything that was on my heart. And indeed I am starting to feel better – now that I could finally say this all out loud. I inhale deeply, turning my face to finally look at him.

“That morning… your words on the phone… I woke up to my worst nightmare and it hurt so bad all I wanted to do is run away. I was scared of what you were about to say straight to my face. I was scared of hearing out loud what you really thought about me. Figure out what we had didn’t mean anything to you. I didn’t want to accept I gave my heart to you and… I dreamed about a future together. I felt so stupid for not being able to see it. It was scary to figure out I gave you so much power… to actually break my heart. Cuz hey! You are you after all! You could have pretty much any woman in the world. It was nice you spent some time with me but why bother with little me, right? After what I heard… I thought I could just move on. Let you go, think back one day consider what we had a nice time and be ok without you. But no matter how hard I tried… you made me feel more wanted than anyone else. You made me feel desired. And at some point I went back to hating myself for giving you so much power over me. For letting you do what you did - and for actually needing it. I was so glad when we finally started fighting in front of everyone… you have no idea… I finally had a reason why I didn’t want to kiss you on screen anymore. We hated each other and people did notice – and they reacted on it. I didn’t have to feel stupid anymore for making a quick kiss last one second longer cuz of missing the taste of your lips. I finally started to go back to… being that superhero everyone saw in me. Brave and strong and… everything. Able to handle whatever comes my way.”  
I pause again, frowning, not knowing anymore what I actually wanted to say when starting with this. “It’s like… you are my kryptonite.”  
I force a smile.

“Stana… you ARE a superhero in my eyes. You ARE strong and you ARE brave. In fact you are the strongest and most wonderful woman I have ever met. But even heroes have the right to bleed and to dream.” 

“Not this one… whenever I start dreaming something goes terribly wrong.” My sight drops back to the floor, an almost unbearable sadness surrounding me again. 

“Why would I want any other superhero if I could have you?” I didn’t notice he closed the distance between us and now is sitting right next to me, legs touching. “I’m sorry I made you feel this way. I’m sorry you feel like you are not anything I need. You’re in my veins. And no matter how hard I tried to get you out of my system… it never worked. I’m sorry I ruined everything and I’m sorry I let my ego take over the steering wheel. And I’m sorry you feel like you have to rebuilt that wall around you. I don’t want you to. Please don’t. I’m sorry for all the things I did and all the other things I didn’t.” I can feel the little sparks flying back and forth between our bodies. “I want you, I want us. Give me one last chance to make this right.” 

My head is screaming “run!”, my heart at the same time saying “stay”. If I only knew how to solve this mystery, sitting right next to me. On the other hand I never will if I just lean back and not do anything about it. Taking chances. 

“Yes,” I hear myself say as I turn to him, move over him and straddle his lap. I put my hands on each side of his head, looking down on him. “I want ‘us’.”  
I press my legs together making him wheeze. He swallows hard and puts his head to a rest on the back of the couch. I move my head even closer to his and tongue darts out to moisturize my lips. We finally could say out loud all the things that kept us away from each other him for so long. Reasons, doubts, stupid thoughts in general. And now here we are, about to seal a promise, a silent vow. I want us to make it all up. Forget the past and seize the day. 

I look into his eyes for a long moment. I start to melt by the look of undivided love I can see in them. When our lips are just mere inches apart our breathing becomes one. Our souls reach out to one another and come to a final agreement: to never let go again. 

My breathing becomes uneven when I notice my lower body starting to move on him. His hands find their place on my hips and for a moment I’m scared he is going to make me stop, shove me away for something I said or did. He doesn’t. Instead he closes his eyes, encouraging my movement. “I want ‘us’. I want you. I need you.”

With our lips now barely touching, all I would want to do is make him mine. Right here, right now. But there is one last thing left to say. 

“I love you.” I close the distance between our lips and suddenly we kiss, hungrily, passionately. As if this kiss would be able to make all the pain go away, make all the memories of shed tears vanish. And strangely it does. Joy replaces the anger; happiness makes all the fears go away. Suddenly I’m not scared anymore. And I’m not willing to hold back anymore. Open mouths start duelling with each other, tongues, teeth. Hands reaching, searching, scratching, desperately trying to cover everything they can reach.

He starts biting my lips, his hands finally finding their way up my legs and under the dress. He lets out a sound of pure pleasure as they find the bare flesh of my behind. They start kneading, holding, memorizing. Just like mine. They wander of his still covered chest back to his neck, his hair, his shoulders.  
The room is filled with soft moans now and growing desire. The feel of his lips is driving me insane, his body now moving under mine, the longing between my legs starts to grow into an almost unbearable height as I try to unbutton his shirt. I forgot what it felt like to be truly wanted. Not for the actress I am or for whomever I know. But for the person I am – after the clown took off his mask and wiped the fake smile out of its face. 

I don’t know if the things on his shirt have a life of their own and just are unwilling to be opened or if my shaking hands are unable do it. Fact is they don’t want to come undone so I just rip them open, sending little buttons flying everywhere. I remain still for a moment, looking at the bare flesh I just uncovered. His eyes clouded by desire watch me closely. I rake my fingers through the soft hair on his chest, let them wander to his shoulders and finally push the material out of my way. 

Before I can fully get rid of it he gets up, lifting me with him. By instinct my legs wrap around his waist and he starts to walk – towards the bedroom I can tell. With every step my body moves up and down on him, increasing the heat. Lust, want, need. I can feel his legs shaking but I doubt it’s out of me being too heavy for him to carry. I suddenly find my back pressed into a doorframe, his hips grinding into me, his mouth forcefully landing on mine. 

“I missed you so bad,” he says as he comes up for air, touching his forehead to mine. 

My hands are touching whatever part of his back they can reach, wanting more. “I missed you too.” And then he does it again. Driving me crazy by just moving his body against mine. Circling, pressing his erection to my centre and making my head roll back. For a second I wonder how he does it. How he does this. How he can make me get lost so fast, willing to jump over the edge. 

That thought is gone as soon as he brings his hand to one of my breast, cupping it, pinching the nipple. And I come for him with a loud groan. Again. At least the fifth time this evening. Before I met him I always thought multiple orgasms were a myth. Something frustrated women came up with to make men work harder. Well… before I met him. He proved my theory to be very wrong. Not a myth at all. 

He keeps the circling motion with his hips up, placing kisses up and down my throat, riding out the climax with me. I notice my fingernails digging into the soft flesh of his back leaving little red marks. I’m somehow satisfied with it. Marking my territory. I giggle.

“What?” He stops, looking at me, smiling widely.

“I just noticed...” I’m trying to catch my breath. “… I might have left some marks on your back. Marked you as mine”. 

He giggles along - with a thunder like low voice, making his ribcage send out vibrations that go straight southward, down my body. “Does that mean I can mark you as mine now too?” 

“Oh absolutely.” 

He lifts me up a little more, away from the doorframe. His arms are coming around my butt, holding me close to him, making me realize just how badly I’d want to just rip off all clothes and take him right there on the floor. He goes back to kissing me as he continues to walk towards the bedroom. While kicking the door open with one leg and turning on a soft dreamlike light with his sudden free arm he manages to make my dress ride up to stomach. And within a heartbeat I am naked - legs still wrapped around him. I wonder if he actually is a magician, most of the times I could hardly remember how on earth he made clothing vanish so fast. 

He stops as his legs touch the end of the bed and looks at me with so much love it actually makes me want to cry. Slowly he lowers me down, supporting my weight. I’m awaiting him to lie down with me but instead he stands back up, looking at my naked body as if he never saw it before. I don’t know why I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable under his gaze. My fingers are nervously looking for a hold on the satin bed sheets as I look up to him. I’m fighting the need to cover my body, my arms come up to at least try and cover my chest. 

“Don’t.” I hold my breath. “So beautiful.” He keeps looking at me, eyes wandering everywhere. He looks like a little boy who just unwrapped the best Christmas gift in the world. “So goddamn beautiful.” 

I know I’m what most men would call a hottie. But I have to admit I’m one of the people who prefer the lights out during sex. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my body. Hell no. I know how to use it when needed. But being naked having a guy watch me is a completely different story. It makes me feel insecure, unsure even. Not that I would ever confess it… on the other hand everything is different with him. 

It’s not like he never saw me naked or we never had sex before. But right now I’m going from incredibly turned on to super nervous, back to turned on. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to calm down. I hear his jeans drop to the floor and a moment later the bed shifts under his weight next to me. I’m still lying on my back, unable to move – or breathe. Eyes still closed. 

His hand touches my stomach a shiver runs down my spine. “Look at me, Stana.” For a long moment I can’t, without knowing why. When I’m finally able to open my eyes I still don’t dare looking at him. Instead I stare at the ceiling, trying to find the courage to do what he asks from me. Why is this so hard? Come on, you can do this… I turn my head, lick my lips and look at him. “There is absolutely nothing to hide, or to be scared of. You are the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on. You are absolute perfection.” He looks down to my lips, my breasts, my stomach, letting his hand follow his sight. I moan under his touch. “Any man who ever made you feel less than a goddess he should worship is a complete moron. And if I never looked at you this way before or made you feel like you are perfect… then it’s another thing I have to make up to you.” 

I want to pull him down to me so I can hide in his embrace. But before I can he rolls over, on top of me, spreading my legs. 

“This is what you do to me…” He presses his hard length against me, leaving me breathless. “The mere thought of you. Your scent… your smile… your voice… your body… everything you are... everything you do…” 

Again he leaves me close to tears. But this time I don’t feel like crying out of pain or anger. It’s out of pure love filling my heart. “I love you.” I never thought saying this out loud would feel so good, so true. If I ever used these words before now I’m sure I never really meant them. 

“I love you too.” When he finally leans in to kiss me a well known fire lights up again and I don’t seem to be able to get enough of his mouth. My legs wrap around him again and I can feel him wanting me just as much as I want him. My tongue is seeking his, begging for entrance. Instead of obeying he suddenly stops moving. I’m trying to roll us over but he stops me by pushing his full weight onto me. Unable to move I’m searching his face for answers. He smiles the sweetest of all smiles, letting his fingers softly glide over my still sore cheek, followed by his lips. He places soft kisses on each side, onto my lips, my chin, my throat. I close my eyes again as he continues his journey. His lips start to touch my collarbone – first one side, then the other. Whenever he lifts a little to move on his fingertips softly brush over the spot he just left, barely touching. I moan with pleasure as he finally reaches my breasts, giving them just the same treatment. Feather-light kisses, touches, making goosebumps appear on what feels like my entire body. 

“So beautiful…” he breathes, as he keeps moving lower. This should be forbidden… torture, I swear. 

After what feels like hours he reaches his final goal. I hold my breath, awaiting him to touch my wet centre. He draws back but instead of putting his tongue where I really badly would need it right now, he starts kissing the inside of my left thigh. I start spreading my legs wildly, my head tossing from one side to the other. He doesn’t seem to notice. 

“I really badly would want you to…” He bites down on the soft flesh making me gasp.

“Would want me to what?” I can tell he is drawing an immense amount of pleasure out of this. He moves to the right thigh, biting down again.

“Touch me.” 

“I am touching you my love.” I can feel his grin on my skin as he keeps the kissing and biting up. His maddening touch almost leaves me unable to put any thoughts into words. 

“Your tongue…”

He starts licking his way up and down my thighs. Every time stopping just inches away from my wet folds.

“God damn it!” I clinch my teeth together. “Go down on me, lick me… make me come… whatever you want! Just… please!” I really don’t know right now why he seems to enjoy the sweet torture. On the other hand if I could think straight now I’d be able to remember the countless times when I had fun with making him beg, a lot of fun actually. Yes, ok, I do see his point. I’m starting to feel my usual self coming back. The woman I actually used to be. Sure of her self. I would just go make him do what I want him to do… 

I almost scream when I feel his tongue parting my labia. He starts drawing circles on the area around my clit, not actually touching it. My hands let go of the sheets, tangling in his hair, trying to put him in position. But he doesn’t follow my direction. I’m starting to take mental notes on what exactly I’m going to do to him when he finally licks over the swollen knob. Most incoherent lines leave my mouth. The only words actually making sense are “Yes” and “Oh god”. I’m not even sure anymore if I’m talking in English, French, Italian or whatever other language. 

“I forgot how sexy you are when you talk in another tongue” he hums. Definitely not English then. I would have laughed if I wouldn’t be so concentrated on not giving in so fast – again. Without success. His more than talented tongue combined with the low vibrations his humming sends right through me make me come. My eyes roll back and I arch off the bed, fingers pulling on his hair. With one last lick on the sensitive flesh he makes me jump, scream. 

Even with eyes still closed I can tell he is smiling a satisfied, pleased smile. While still being busy to make the coloured dots flying around behind my eyes disappear I feel him moving up, again leaving trails of hot kisses on his way. 

“Comment peux-tu faire ça? Incroyable…”

“I know it’s French… and I know it’s something good, right?” He kisses my forehead, then the tip of my nose and my lips. 

I smile. “Sorry. Multilingual confusion in my head… due to heavily repeated orgasmic action.”

“Hmmm… very sexy.” He kisses me hungrily making me feel all his desire for me. I suddenly realize how long he actually had to hold back by now. Taking in account the last time we ended up against the wall in studio 12 it’s… pretty much all evening. 

There is nothing I would want to do more this very moment but when he positions himself at my entrance I suddenly come to a standstill. 

He pauses, immediately noticing the change. “Is everything ok, honey?”  
I can feel a rush of heat making my cheeks glow. If you ask me I’m turning bright red right now. “Honey?” 

“It’s…”

“Yes?” He cups my head in his hands, keeping his weight on his elbows, looking at me.

“I haven’t exactly done this in… something like a year”, I admit, at the same time thinking of our first night together. Even though back then I was what some would call “in practice” it did slightly hurt – he is everything but small. I frown, finding myself sounding blatantly stupid again.

“It’s ok baby. Don’t frown. And please don’t feel stupid for saying something like this out loud.” He for sure can read minds… “We can always stop. It’s ok. I will need a very, very, veeeery cold shower but it’s ok, I promise” 

“NO!” I shout, eyes wide opened in shock, making us both laugh after a short pause. “I mean...” I’m trying to use my seductive voice saying “No…”. That did not come out quite as sexy as planned but it’s a start. He smiles widely touching his nose to mine. 

“Do you trust me?” he asks ever so softly.

“Intimately,” I answer without having to think. 

“And you are sure you… want this?”

“Badly!”

He shifts his position, balancing his weight on one elbow. His freed hand is wandering over my body again as he starts kissing me – making me forget all concerns and fears instantly. My arms come around his neck, trying to deepen the kiss, my lips hungrily occupying his. Involuntarily my body starts pressing against him again, ensuring him of my words. 

For a jiffy the heat of his body is gone. I’m about to protest when I feel him enter me with the tip of his throbbing member. We both groan. His sounding feral, mine more a strange mixture of pleasure and pain. He stops, bringing his arm back up to keep his weight off me. All we can do for a long time is stare into each other’s eyes, letting words of love and devotion fly across the room without actually having to say them.

I can’t tell if we remain like this for seconds or minutes but when the pain starts to subside I touch his lips with my fingertips – as I so often did on set. Our secret sign for “it’s ok, go”. 

He starts sinking in deeper, pausing again when he sees me squeezing my eyes shut, drawing a deep breath. I try relax whatever muscles I have control over – breathe into the pain. His head comes to a rest on the crook of my neck and I can only begin to imagine how hard this must be for him. I can feel all the muscles in his shoulder working, hardening while he is fighting for control. Still, he isn’t doing anything without my ok. There is absolutely no movement, almost as if he was hovering over me. Uneven loud breathing is filling the air around us and I make a decision. I always was the kind of girl to tear off the patch. Bearing with the short pain instead of making it last forever by trying to carefully peel it off. I let me legs fall to the bed, trying to spread them as far as possible – without any effect. His body stays in the exact same position, muscles still fighting against the wish to give in.  
Plan B then… I take a deep breath, wrap my legs around his back and push upwards at the same time. I groan with pain as he fully sinks in, making my walls stretch to their absolute limit. His whole body is shaking now and I lean my head on his, holding him so close I’m scared of to suffocate him. 

Silence. For a long, never ending moment. No breathing, no moaning, no moving. Just our hearts talking to one another - two heartbeats becoming one.

I love you more than I knew I could ever love someone.  
Never leave me again.  
All I ever needed was you.

A hot tear runs down my cheek and finds its way to his hair. He lifts his head, looking at me in concern. Almost unnoticeable I shake my head, making a smile spread over my lips. Pure, absolute, complete happiness. 

“I love you.” Yes, I really don’t think I’ll ever get tired of telling him, now that I finally can.

“I love you too,” he answers before he leans in for a long kiss. A tender one. As If kissing me with the same passion he did before would make his will to stay still vanish. I would want it to I have to admit. Leaving aside the slight pain this feels better than I remembered.

I start moving under him, making him know I’m most definitely adjusted and ready. Instead of just giving in he goes back to looking at me, making sure he didn’t misunderstand any signals I gave to him. And again I give him the clearest signs of all: I touch his lips. 

He smiles tenderly, not breaking eye contact as he pulls out of me half way – slowly sinking back in a second later. And again. A slow, maddening rhythm. He only looks away to kiss me, looking back into my eyes a moment later, making sure I’m either still there or am enjoying this as much as he is – I can’t really tell. Maybe it’s a mixture of both. With every move he makes he is taking me further out on the wild ocean of pleasure, to a point where it almost gets unbearable. I’m actually waiting for him to pick up the pace at some point but Nathan Fillion is self-control in person. If I could do anything else than moan I would tell him. But this very second I can’t. Again he leaves me speechless. When his slow mantra like rhythm starts to not be enough anymore I try to make him move faster, harder. I moan to encourage him. Nothing of it seems to be working. He’s driving me crazy with this, making every nerve end in my body tingle, wanting more. 

Sweet and loving and careful indeed is very nice. I badly needed in the beginning. But filled with an indescribable hunger for more makes this be not enough anymore. I press my legs together and in one swift movement roll over so I’m on top of him – taking him off guard.

When his upper body hits the bed he looks at me with wide eyes. I lean down, whispering into his ear. “I badly would need you to...” My voice is low and husky – somehow dangerous at the same time. “Fuck me.” If it were possible for him to get even harder I’d say he just did. I place my hands on both sides of his head and grind backwards, swallowing the moan coming from his mouth with mine. I start an almost frantic rhythm, his pubic bone massaging my clit. I keep going, adding circle like movements, the friction becoming too much to stand.

He lifts his upper body off the bed, making us turn slightly backwards, pulling his knees up a little. His fingers dig into my bottom, making me come down on him even harder every time I draw back. He starts biting down on my breasts and I can feel myself being incredibly close to jumping off that edge again. 

“Come for me, beautiful,” he mumbles in between grunts and moans. I can feel him tighten under me. He brings one hand to my front, finding my clit with his thumb, rubbing. “Come for me.” 

I thought there was a limit, a point where you just become too sensitive to do anything like that. But I do. I jump off the height he brought me to and suddenly I feel like flying again. But this time I know I’m not going to hit the ground. He is right there with me. Following me over the edge with one last thrust. I hear him scream my name and we fall together, fly together, to the end of our known universe and back. Colours dancing behind my eyes and I feel us falling back onto the bed, breathing heavily - absolutely pleased while the aftermath of the orgasm keeps rocking through our bodies. Back and forth, up and down. It doesn’t seem to stop. Not that I want it to… but I feel utterly exhausted. I turn my head a little so I can rest my head in the crook of his neck, placing my right hand over his heart. I’m losing all sense of time. I can feel his heartbeat slowing down, his breathing becoming even. His arms come around me, locking me to his body with an embrace that makes this feel like the safest place on earth. Nothing would ever be able to harm me here. I finally found my way back home. The sleep, which overcomes me, makes me float, takes me on a journey. But there are no pictures, no places, no faces, no rainbows or unicorns. I’m surrounded by the most comforting darkness I have ever felt. Because all I could ever dream of is right here, right next to me. 

I’m not sure for how long I have been drifting in and out of sleep, every now and then unconsciously moving my hand to make sure he was still there. After what must have been an eternity a tingling sensation pulls me out of it. I try to move.

“Darn…” 

“Is everything ok, love?” he asks rubbing his hands over my back.

“My fucking legs fell asleep!” 

He grins. “Well, I was wondering how long you would be able to stay in this position. But I didn’t dare to wake sleeping beauty.”

“Har har, very funny.” I playfully slap his chest. “Now be a gentleman and… roll me on my back, please.” That somehow sounded wrong. 

“Of course, my lady.” He tries to sound serious but I can tell he’s having a hard time not laughing. 

He carefully rolls over, making sure I land softly on my back. “Geez!” I try to stretch my legs but they went completely numb. 

“Wait, let me help.” He moves down to my feet, grabbing them around the ankle, and starts to pull – making my legs stretch out. 

“How long was I asleep? A year?” I groan when little ants start crawling up and down my legs. Must be a whole army!

“Nah, just something like 30 minutes.”

As soon as it’s possible I start shaking my legs, moving them around in mid air. I stop when I notice him hiding in the bed sheets, which swallow his hysterical laughter. 

“What? I’m having serious problems here!” I join in his laughter.

“I’m sorry. This just is beyond hilarious.” 

“You won’t think I’m cute anymore once I start my revenge!” I waggle my eyebrows at him as I finally manage to sit up. 

“I love revenge… can’t wait!” He’s still kneeling at the end of the bed and I can’t help but let my eyes wander over his body – over his arms, his chest, the light brown hair on it, his little belly which I always made fun of saying a little beer barrel is way better than a six pack… Yes, I like a lot what I see. I lick my lips and shake my head a second later. Without looking at him I KNOW he is grinning badly, waggling his eyebrows. Of course he noticed my observation. I roll my eyes.

“And now excuse me… I really have no heck idea why but I’m feeling a little sticky. I’m going to make a dramatic exit to the shower now!” If I could get up that is. My legs still feel numb and it’s rather difficult to stand straight. He draws in a breath, about to say something, but I hold up my hand. “No!” 

He starts pouting. “I was the one lying below… if anyone is sticky and deserves a shower it’s me. I could… help you soap your back!” He hops out of bed rushing to my side. I’m still trying to find my balance on very not steady legs. Carefully I try to put one foot in front of the other, holding out my arms for balance. Well, that wasn’t so bad. “Or help you walk”, he whispers into my ear. I want to turn around to tell him I very well can do this on my own – a little too fast. At least I’m not falling down. Huge improvement here! And again he’s trying hard to not laugh out loud.

“I CAN do this, Mister!” I start shaking with laughter.

“Of course.” He quickly places a kiss on my lips. “But this way you might freeze to death before you reach the bathroom.” He sweeps me into his arms. 

“I just plumped to new depths.” I hide my face in his neck after I put one of my arms around him, smiling the silliest way ever.

“I’d say cuteness just reached a new high score.” 

A view seconds later he turns on the lights in the bathroom, letting me back down. When my feet touch the cold material of the tiled floor I jump back into his arms. “I’m way too hot to face this cold yet!” 

“Oh, yes you are!” Laughter echoes off the walls. I almost forgot how much I always enjoyed this. No one ever made me laugh this hard about the tiniest of all things. “But it will cost you extra, my love. The ride here, plus taxes, plus actually carrying you INTO the shower, plus turning on the water and waiting for it to turn hot… makes 50 dollars all in all.”

Geez, I just started to laugh tears. “Sorry, I forgot my money in my other naked-suit.”

“In that case…” He coughs, trying to get himself back to serious mode. “I’m afraid I’ll have to stay right here and wait ‘til you can actually pay me.” He grins, walking us into the huge shower cabin, turning on the water and checking the temperature before finally putting me down. 

“Thanks for the ride,” I say while wiping the tears off my face. I stand up on tiptoes to reach his mouth and place a soft kiss on it. I bite my lip, smile and turn around, into the spurt of the very welcomed hot water. Without really noticing I start stretching my arms up, bending a little to each side, getting the muscles in my hips to loosen up – almost like an exotic dancer. This feels way too good. I close my eyes as I hold up my head and the water runs down my face. 

I hear a “Wow” coming from somewhere behind me and turn my head to look over my shoulder. 

Again I bite my lower lip and flash a smile as I see him looking up and down my naked form. “Now about that offer you made…”

“What?” He looks as if I caught him looking at something forbidden.

“You said you would soap my back.” 

Without another word he reaches past me to grab the soap, lightly brushing over my arm. Just a millisecond later he pushes my hair away and places his soap-covered hands on my shoulders, massaging, making the muscles relax. I can’t help but moan under his touch. He works his way down my back, making sure to not miss even the smallest spot. I thought that burning hunger inside would be satisfied by now – at least for a little while - but the combination of his softly kneading hands and the hot water tickling down my sides set my body on fire again. I never thought someone would ever be able to turn me on with just a look or one delicate touch - until I met Nathan. It was mind blowing. Back then he just had to look at me a certain way and all my concentration on set was gone. And whenever he touched my hand I felt like screaming out for a quick break. I never did, professional me took over. But I always badly wanted to. One might think after what had happened and the fact we barely spoke for two years things would have calmed down a bit, got easier and more bearable. In fact it got worse. Obviously. Instead of the sexual tension finally leaving the building it seems like it kept boiling right beneath the surface. It was cooking up over the years and I could feel it break free when I tried to make him leave earlier. But he stood so very close. I couldn’t get enough of his touch, the feel of his body, his hands roaming over me - all common sense gone. For a moment I can’t help but think of the fact that I never want this to stop. Was that a bad thing? On the other hand why would it? Tonight changed everything. It turned my life upside down and showed me heaven. A place I’m for sure not going to leave again. 

I take a small step back, closing the distance between our bodies and his arms come around me. His hot wet skin on my back makes me abandon all plans of revenge that had started to form in my head when we got into the shower. I shall not forget about them, just… not now. I turn into jelly under his hands getting incredibly turned on again. I can feel the wetness between my legs grow – and no, I’m sure it’s not the water. He carefully lets his hands travel over my body again, making sure I keep feeling his stirring erection on my lower back, washing away the soap. Sighs of pleasure leave me as he continues his treatment on my sides, stroking up and down. I lift my arms, reach back and lock them around his neck, making my body press into his. I search for his lips, meeting his open mouth half way. When he covers my breasts I break the kiss and let my head fall back. This for sure is going to be my death. Though I never heard of anyone dying out of having too many orgasms…

He starts to nibble my ear, biting my neck while his right hand wanders lower, leaving goosebumps on every inch of skin it just touched. I can barely breath anymore by the time he lets his fingers slide into my folds. Everything seems so sensitive I feel like I should pull away from his touch. Instead I start moaning even louder. As if he wanted to test me, see if I could possibly be ready for him this fast he dips a finger into me and groans as he notices just how ready I am. This should be impossible. Everything I ever thought I’d know about sex, arousal, the time it actually needs and all these things vanished into thin air with him. 

I want to stop his hand from moving away when he lifts it but before I can reach down he buries his hard-on deep inside me in one unexpected move. Unexpected indeed. Simultaneously we mutter something close to “oh my god”. When he starts thrusting into me I unlock my hold on him and brace my hands on the shower tiles – badly needing to meet his thrusts with equal force. The sound of our wet bodies slamming together over and over again in the most frantic rhythm makes it impossible to breath or think. All that surrounds me is want, need, hunger, lust, my body screaming out for his. It’s not just my body screaming though. Loud cries of pleasure fill the bathroom as he reaches down again. I would want this to last. I would want to just stay here and do this forever. But I can’t. He presses down on my clit while he keeps pounding into me and sends me flying into another earth shattering climax. I scream, I shout his name, I cry, I writhe, I see the lights around us turn dark. I feel my muscles tighten around his velvet flesh, drawing him even further into me. He steadies my hips with his hands and with two final strokes he buries his seed deep inside me. 

Pure bliss. I probably died and went straight to heaven - the only possible explanation for this state of mind. 

I let go of the wall - which seems to be made out of pudding anyhow - and fall back into his embrace, breathing heavily, trying to make my eyes focus back on reality.

“If this is a dream please don’t wake me. Ever.” He lets his cheek rest on mine. 

“Why would it be a dream?” I ask when I can finally talk again.

“As unromantic as this may sound now but… you have no idea...”

“About?” 

“How often I dreamed about fucking you senseless right here.” 

I chuckle. “Not that romantic indeed. But quite hot.” I think I moved a little too much… I can feel his softening member slip out of me, already missing him. But the second he notices my despair he starts holding me even closer, pressing me to his chest, as if he was scared I’m going to leave him.

For a long time I listen to the sound of the water jumping over our bodies and the light blue tiles. If I could I would stay right here for the rest of my life, just enjoying this feeling. 

After what seems like forever I turn around in his arms, looking into the most amazing blue eyes. “Best shower ever.” I quote his words from a century ago.

“Best shower ever YET. I may drag you in here more often,” he replies bending over to kiss me. 

“You have the allowance to drag me wherever you want”. I smirk, kissing him back. His lips are so soft. Still swollen from everything that happened tonight. I let my tongue lick over the tender flesh, tracing the outlines. Slowly, memorizing every millimetre of it – as if I would have to draw a map of them sometime in the future. 

“Woman, you are going to be the death of me.” He groans.

“Funny. I thought the same some time ago.” 

He draws me in for a long passionate kiss. When he pulls me closer I suddenly break free, bursting into laughter.

“THIS is impossible!”

“What is????”

“You! This…” My hands start gesturing wildly in the air when looking at his penis springing back to life. “It’s anatomical and… physically and in general impossible!”

He looks down, following my eyes. “Hmmm… tell him.” He smiles widely when looking back up.

“Seriously! Nate, you are not in your 20s anymore! Like… honestly!”

“46 means I’m twice in my 20s!” He waggles his brows. “Also, it’s not my fault little Nate likes you a lot.”

“You are impossible.” 

“So are you, beautiful. So are you,” he says, entangling his fingers in my hair, capturing my lips again. 

Yes, he definitely was right. This was our best shower yet. I can’t wait for what else is to come. 

I badly wish we wouldn’t have wasted all these years. Or let other people take control of our lives. On the other hand who knows… if things would have gone differently, we might not be here right now. Sharing this night, which showed us glimpses of what is yet to come. 

Future is unpredictable, that much I know so far. Life is in general. No matter how bad things were in the past, you can’t change them. Stuff happens, life goes on. And at some point you get the chance to make something good out of everything that happened. You just have to see it, realize it and take the chance. I’m sure we are going to make the best out of this. I’m sure together we will create magic. 

Flying feels like falling – until love finally gives you wings and carries you beyond the rims of the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :-)


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